Ease on down the road

 

I celebrated another birthday over the weekend. One thing about surviving cancer?  I don't care about getting older anymore.  It's a option I almost didn't have. So more birthdays...is always a GREAT thing!

I'm finally feeling normal again. Also good.  

Sure, I still have some neuropathy in my feet, but I have a feeling that may just be the new normal for me.  But more importantly my stamina is coming back. For the past year getting to work and back was just about all I could handle. Now I am focused on some work projects, home projects, traveling and perhaps a new hobby...writing.

And it all feels good.  

Really good.

I've also decided to get moving on my next set of surgeries.  I had an appointment last week with my new plastic surgeon. I have started the process of having  preventative mastectomy surgery in November with reconstruction to follow next spring.

The whole thought of "preventative" surgery makes me cringe a little.  Since that was how my ovarian cancer was discovered.  Yes it was preventative...it prevented me from dying. .  

Hoping this time will be different.  But if they find cancer, they find it early.

I may be the poster child for that :)

I have to admit the thought of losing my breasts is hard.  I am struggling with it.

But today when I was shopping I realized I have had to work my wardrobe around my breasts since I was 15.  Being large breasted is truly a pain...in the chest.

So here's to preventative surgery...whatever it may prevent.  Cancer or death.  Perhaps both?

And here's to wearing cute bras without massive support, camisoles with thin straps and backless shirts.  

Silver lining?  CHECK!

Maybe even a rainbow...

Russian Roulette...BRCA style

About every three months my brain hits a major speed bump.  That's because I have an appointment for some sort BRCA/cancer related testing.

It feels like a giant game of Russian Roulette

Where you hope to god you hear a "click" and not a "bang"

I try hard not to think about these appointments too much.  After all there is really nothing I can do about them except do the testing and pray.

On top of the "scanxiety" are the mundane factors of...making sure your insurance covers the testing and getting pre authorization for testing.

I've also discovered I am now claustrophobic.  Making MRIs a challenge.  I am hoping I'll get through it with some good drugs on board.  Last year my breast MRI made me so claustrophobic I was nauseous for a day after.  

So yes, I am doing everything I can to screen for early cancer. 

Tomorrow, I am hoping to celebrate a "click"

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Who's the fairest of them all?

Hmmm  probably not me.  But things have been moving along in my post chemo world

Firstly...I have hair!  It's coming in nice and thick.  I feel a bit like a calico cat because it is blonde, brown and grey...perhaps I can call it bronze?

My eyebrows and eyelashes are also growing back.  My eyelashes while plentiful are now short without a curl to them.  

I've tried several different mascaras including those with fibers to help lengthen them with no luck.  They simply look like..dead spiders

Not even kidding :(

So what's a girl to do?

Get lash extensions...that's what.

I'm not a girly girl so I'll admit I have never even thought about false eyelashes.  But after talking to a friend, I decided to look into it.

Perhaps use a groupon to a local eyelash salon with excellent ratings.  

I have to say once I relaxed the process was easy and I love the end result

Before:

After:

Much better!

O Captain, my captain

The past few weeks have been a flurry of activity for me.  A trip to Connecticut to watch my oldest daughter graduate from college, lots of visiting with good friends and some time away from home and work to reflect on the past few years.

In the midst of all that activity I was able to watch The Dead Poet's Society.  I had forgotten about that movie.  Seeing a young enthusiastic Robin Williams made me miss him once again.  But the movie's meaning was as poignant as ever, especially after going thru a cancer diagnosis.

Carpe Diem...Seize the day!

I have been working and trying to get back to some sort of normal after chemo.  But somehow everything seems so different now.  Watching my daughter graduate I was reminded once again why a graduation is called a commencement.  Because it IS not an ending but a beginning.

So maybe cancer works the same way?

Maybe it makes me appreciate life *that* much more?

Perhaps it's a challenge to take the risks.  To love and to live a little more. 

 To fear less what happens if you fail.  

And maybe failing is ok because it will lead you to a better place?

I can see clearly now the rain is gone

I am now 3 months post chemo and just had my first 3 month cancer follow up.  Thankfully my exam and lab work all came back within normal limits.  So a huge Yeah on that!

My neuropathy seems to be diminishing.  The physical therapy, massage therapy and time seem to be doing the trick.  I am back to work full time and it is Spring in Texas which is just glorious

That means warm temperatures and Bluebonnets

My hair is finally coming in. I had to laugh when I realized the cowlicks I have, that my mom used to worry about when I was a little girl?  Are still there!  Anyone ever dealt with a double crown cowlick?  I'm sure it means something in some culture somewhere.

Here you go:

But at least it's not all grey!

A celebration dinner with my sister and friends to commemorate her birthday and my great 3 month check up

I have been struggling a bit with survivorship (that's what it's called by the way)

Because the anxiety of follow up exams and testing always reminds me cancer lurks in my background.  So I made a deal with myself.  I have NO control over a recurrence. NONE.  I do have control about what I worry about.  So I will not give cancer even more of my life by worrying about it.  I'll keep my appointments, good attitude and try to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  I will enjoy my family and friends..and I will admire the bluebonnets.  

But I will not let cancer anxiety control my life.

And you know what?  I slept like a baby the night before my check-up.

True story.

And since I am (proudly) a native Kansan, this seems appropriate:

Finding my way back

Still trying to answer the question about what comes next after cancer.  

One side effect of my chemotherapy has been neuropathy in my hands and feet

Basically my feet feel like they are asleep 24/7

Except for when I'm on them for an extended period of time and then

it's painful

So I've been on a quest to see what I can do to get rid my neuropathy and find my new normal

Last week I started physical therapy to help improve my balance and support the muscles in my feet and ankles.

As part of my homework I have some exercises and are supposed to walk daily.

This weekend I went walking with my sister, cousin and daughter at the Canton Trade Days

Which is the mother of all flea market/swap meet/craft fairs all rolled into one!

I figured I might as well shop...and walk.

Shopping with my girls and exercising ...what a perfect combination!

Some other things I have learned about neuropathy after chemo:

It may take up to a year for your neuropathy to improve,

whatever neuropathy is left after a year is yours to keep.

So I'm on a quest to kick neuropathy to the curb

AND

get in better physical shape because I still have one preventative surgery to go.

The preventative double mastectomy and reconstruction surgery.

One surgery (with a cancer detour) down and one to go...

Letting go

Tomorrow I am having my port removed.

While my minion has served me well in kicking cancer's ass, my doctor feels I'm cured and no longer need it.

So Yeah! 

Out it comes!

I have to confess I am a little ambivalent.

I feel like my port removal is like tempting fate for a recurrence 

BUT

I need to remember my port does not have magical powers to prevent cancer.

So out it comes tomorrow...

And I have some nice platinum blond (grey) fuzz growing in..

Patience Is a Virtue

I am almost 3 weeks out from my last chemo treatment.

For the past 4 months this is the day I'd be getting myself ready for yet another round of chemo

and all the yuck that comes after.

So I am very thankful to be finished with all of that.

However 

I am impatient to be back to normal again

which means

HAIR!

No neuropathy (numbness/pain) in my hands and feet

Better stamina

Decreased anxiety

Right now, none of the above seem to be happening very fast and I have to say while it may be unrealistic to expect all the above

I do...

And I want it NOW!

Somewhere in my mind there's a very small voice that keeps telling me maybe I will have to adjust to a new normal

And I am not liking that at.all

My Favorite Escape

No it's not Hawaii, Italy or the Caribbean

Although I do love all those places.

My favorite escape is a good book.  

As my chemobrain is improving I'm able to read again.

This makes me so very happy!

One of the ways I've always coped with sadness or hard times is by diving head first into a good book

One of the hardest parts of Chemo was the inability to concentrate enough to read.

As the chemo leaves my system for the final time I'm having a great time catching up on all my reading.

Whether it's a great thriller, a new Stephen King book, a biography or even cook books, I have always had my nose in a book

As far back as third grade I used to walk home from school reading a book...and often ended up either off course or walking into a things because I was so engrossed in the story. Leaving me to explain why I had a bruise on my forehead from walking into a tree!

Many of the stories and characters still live in my mind.

I've also learned so much from books.  Fiction, Nonfiction, Historical or pure Chick-Lit.

It's all been good.  

So have you read a good book lately?  

I have :)

Biological Tick Tock

Back in my 30's everyone was concerned with their biological clock.  Which meant having babies.  If you were 35 unmarried and had not had children surely everyone in a 10 mile radius could actually "hear" your clock ticking.

Interestingly I feel a bit similar right now.

Of course my kids are older, and the clock I can hear ticking has nothing to do with babies.

My clock is ticking with the hope I will NOT get another cancer before I can prevent it.

Confused?

When I discovered my mutation the thought was to remove my ovaries and tubes first THEN do breast surgery to remove the risk of breast cancer.

Currently I'm on plan B

Found cancer early...treated it.

Hope to hell I can recover from chemo...and beat the clock before I am diagnosed with breast cancer.

I *could* be zen and say "Que sera, sera...whatever will be, will be"

But I think I'd need some better drugs or a nice grey goose cosmo (or 3)

to get me there.

When it comes to my BRCA mutation I'm a believer.

Cancer?  Is not an if...it's a when.

Tick...tick...tick...

Hammer time #6...

Last One!

I said a happy farewell to Roberta yesterday!  She served her purpose but was getting a little too clingy and yesterday was even hogging my TV.

SO buh-bye Roberta!

I had a late Chemo appointment, I wound up finishing up at 6:00pm and was the last patient in the cancer infusion center.  When you do your last round of chemo you get to ring the bell signaling the end of treatment.  Since I was the only patient in the center I thought it might be quiet...but luckily I had 2 of my favorite and loudest chemo nurses standing by to make sure I was properly cheered as I rang the bell.

Gotta love my chemo nurses <3

Ringing the bell and loving my bald head...or trying to.

I hear hair regrowth starts in the next 3 weeks...and that's a whole new ballgame!

I hear it'll be curly and grey...so pretty!

or NOT.

I guess we'll see!

My kids, mom and sister plus our 2 dogs are here for Christmas.  So happy to have them all under one roof in our new home for the holidays.

I wish you all a much happiness and health in the new year!

I have decided to continue my blog to talk about life after chemo, follow-up appointments and my BRCA journey.

So stay tuned...

Crossing the Finish Line

Coming up to my last round of Chemo

I have to say when I was diagnosed in August hearing I would be undergoing 6 rounds of Chemotherapy over the course of the next 18 weeks...

Seemed like FOREVER.

I'm pleased to say it's almost over.

I'm somewhat ambivalent about it.

I mean I am thrilled to have gotten through it.  So happy it's over.

But it opens yet another chapter in my life.

The chapter of Survivor

Which means follow up appointments every 3 months to check for a recurrence

It means checking off "Cancer" every time I have to fill out a health related form.

Gotta say that is all hard to think about right now.

One thing I have learned as a cancer patient is to strive for 2 words everyday.

BE HAPPY

Life is just too short not to be happy.

Some days it's easy to be happy, other days I have to work at it.

About 26 years ago I was on vacation in Mexico with a good friend

 (I'm looking at you Callahan) 

We ended up surviving a category 5 hurricane.

We learned a lot from the experience

That perhaps taking your passport when you're evacuated was a better choice than say

...your make-up and curling iron.

In the midst of all of the chaos the song 

"Don't Worry..Be Happy" was popular.  

Although we rolled our eyes every time it played, while we were stuck in post hurricane Cancun, it did somehow make us feel better.

I think I can make a connection between surviving a Cat. 5 hurricane and Cancer.

Both are scary and life threatening.

However worrying doesn't do anything but make you feel bad.

 I am a master worry-er

So fighting cancer I learned to quit worrying so much and start enjoying life more

Looking forward to breaking up with my BFF Roberta the Chemo IV pump on Monday.

She's gotten a little too clingy.

Looking forward to being a SURVIVOR.