Ch-ch-changes...

I am now 3 weeks out from a double mastectomy.  It's been a rough few weeks.  But not in the ways I thought it would be.  I was very scared I would miss my breasts.  This hasn't been the case at all.  It feels strange to even write that.  But after having large breasts and always needing to wear a bra. I am really enjoying not wearing a bra and the way my clothing fits now.  Buttoning a blouse for most, is a very common occurrence, but not for me.  There were always gaping areas that needed a safety pin (or 2)! But no longer

I've tossed my large bras and big safety pins...so all good news there.


On the darker side is pain.  I have expanders in to help stretch the muscle and it seems no matter how I sit or lay they are uncomfortable.


And the darkness goes further than that. It feels to me sometimes that once cancer enters your life it seems to stay.  Even if your testing and scans are good...there's still the anxiety of what those results will show.

There is a loss of innocence that you never regain.  Yes, you've have cancer...and yes, it could happen again.

SO you live your life.  I think the not knowing perhaps makes life a little sweeter, more precious.

You look at your new body as a (for the most part) good upgrade

You learn to re-navigate the bra dept.  No more supportive/minimizer bras for me...ever.
But that leaves lots of territory to explore.  Territory I have never even looked at and frankly find ...intimidating.

I confess to finding my old favorite maximizer bra on the sale rack, to to pet it good bye.

on to smaller and better things :)

O Captain, my captain

The past few weeks have been a flurry of activity for me.  A trip to Connecticut to watch my oldest daughter graduate from college, lots of visiting with good friends and some time away from home and work to reflect on the past few years.

In the midst of all that activity I was able to watch The Dead Poet's Society.  I had forgotten about that movie.  Seeing a young enthusiastic Robin Williams made me miss him once again.  But the movie's meaning was as poignant as ever, especially after going thru a cancer diagnosis.

Carpe Diem...Seize the day!

I have been working and trying to get back to some sort of normal after chemo.  But somehow everything seems so different now.  Watching my daughter graduate I was reminded once again why a graduation is called a commencement.  Because it IS not an ending but a beginning.

So maybe cancer works the same way?

Maybe it makes me appreciate life *that* much more?

Perhaps it's a challenge to take the risks.  To love and to live a little more. 

 To fear less what happens if you fail.  

And maybe failing is ok because it will lead you to a better place?

FOCUS

I'm starting to look at what comes next after cancer treatment.  Which is such a happy thing and yet scary as well.  When I was diagnosed back in August, all the plans I had for the next year went out the window.  We had just moved to a new home and I had been accepted to a new graduate school program.  All of that needed to be put on hold.  If I'm being honest my thought pattern felt a little like this:

Focused on chemo and cancer...yes, but in a sickening and dizzy way.

It was a time to batten down the hatches and get ready to fight.  Which I did.  My family has as well. 

SCARY as hell.  And yet, coming out the other side it has changed me in a way that I know is going to make me a better person.  

I feel a little like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life"

Cancer may have been my "Clarence"

A wake up call before it's too late to appreciate all the good things in life without all the insignificant crap that really doesn't mean anything in the long run.

Looking forward to a new focus and hoping when life becomes crazy again

 (as I know it will) 

I remember to focus on what's really important 

The people who really matter and let go of the rest.

Here Comes The Sun

This has always been one of my favorite Beatle's songs

Coming out my Chemo haze and the sun seems to be joining me.

Lots to look forward to:

The holidays with family

New work digs

My mother and daughter here for the holidays

and only 1 more Chemo Treatment to go!

Today, going to soak in some sun, and maybe have a lunch date with my husband,

All good!

Thanksgiving...it's more than just dinner

We had a really nice Thanksgiving.  I think we all ate too much, but having all my kids and my sister under the same roof was amazing.  We made and ate lots of delicious food, drank some good wine and laughed quite a bit.

The smell of Turkey cooking will always be a favorite smell for me.

A few days before thanksgiving I had the usual pre chemo appointment with my Oncologist.  She is a terrific doctor, but a bit of a straight shooter.  She can be a little blunt.  I remember prior to my surgery I had said to her I felt lucky " being BRCA 1+ to have gotten to 50 and not had cancer" and she replied "Well, we really can't say that...yet"

Gotta admit I was a little ticked by that response

However 1 month later at my post op appointment I discovered she was right.  I did in fact, have cancer.

I guess as a GYN Oncologist, she'd...uh...done this before ;)

So at my appointment a few days ago, we were discussing the "home stretch" 2 more treatments, another month and I would be finished with my treatment.  We talked about follow up.  I'd be seen every 3 months for the next 2 years, then every 6 months till 5 years and then yearly after that.

But most importantly she told me she felt I would be CURED when I finished treatment.

CURED.

WOW!

And coming from my doctor, who is very detail and research oriented...I was surprised and happy.

I'll be honest in saying I don't completely trust it, as I don't trust cancer.

Am I going to hold my breath before those future check ups and blood work, praying nothing is amiss?

You betcha.

But maybe cancer has taught me one very important lesson:

you never know what's going to happen tomorrow so

Appreciate TODAY.

Because it truly is a PRESENT

Some other things I'm working on

I think 1 and 2 may be the hardest, at least for me ;)

Perspective

Now that I'm a week past chemo I'm starting to feel "normal" again.   On my way home this evening I started to reflect on how my perspective on aging has changed.  Last year when I turned 50 I started seeing myself really ...age.  Ok, so I looked good for 50...but damn I was 50!  With that came skin changes everywhere, hair where there wasn't hair before as well as assorted aches and pains.  I admit it freaked me out.  I mean in my head I was still...like maybe ...29?  ish...

But cancer has given me a WHOLE new perspective on aging.  Because now I am just so happy to have reached 51 and more importantly will reach many more birthdays to come.   I have happily earned every single laugh line, laughing with my kids and husband.

Grey hairs bring it on! I've lived long enough to enjoy them.  Wrinkled neck and sunspots from being outside enjoying the sun and my family.  I'm in.

Because life is for living.  

Or as Auntie Mame says:

Great Fullness

Back in the 80's and 90's when I loved everything "OPRAH" I stumbled upon one of her ideas that has stayed.  

A Gratitude Journal

While I don't keep a journal anymore I have discovered through the years that if I could be grateful for 5 things before I fell asleep, I tended to sleep and feel a whole lot better.

Now some days I was just grateful I survived the day.

When my kids were little I was grateful for any amount of patience..................... (because I have NONE)

As I've gotten older stuff like "no plantar fasciitis attacks" or heartburn have made an appearance

Last night as I was thinking about my 5 things, I realized that being grateful gives me a great fullness.  

As in I feel whole, and happy.  Maybe I'm *exactly* where I'm supposed to be?

Bald head and all...

Last night my 5 things were:

1.  My family

2. My friends

3.  My health

4. My home

5. The ability to make a difference

I'll confess I had to really think about the health one.  But having cancer doesn't make me "unhealthy".  My body is tolerating chemo ok.  Is it a good time? No.

But so far I'm getting through it and that I am grateful for.

VERY. Grateful.

Try it...you may feel great full...

Brave?

Starting to feel a bit more normal post treatment so went out for a taco with my husband tonight. Gorgeous night out...82 degrees Texas fall evening.  

While getting gas I snapped this selfie, which isn't quite the "full monty" but is me rocking my bald with my favorite blingy baseball cap.

I've always been a grab and go kinda gal.  I have a nice wig, hats and scarfs but this baseball cap really seems to do it for me.  It's light, kinda lacy with a bit of sparkle.

SO here goes...I still have a little eyebrow and lashes left, but not much

I wear a surgical cap to work which blends in well in the hospital environment.

Not doing my hair takes a good 20-30 minutes off my getting ready in the morning.

I could get used to that...

JUST KIDDING!

As a good friend recently told me, "God only has so many perfect heads, the rest she has to put hair on"

My mantra...

Post Chemo Blahs..

The weekend after I get get Chemo is usually the hardest.  As long as I take my drugs- steroids, anti-nausea meds and pain meds, it usually doesn't get awful,  But I have to stay on top of it.  One of the other things I've learned is to walk a little and rest A LOT.  Drink, drink and drink some more (sadly water...not wine) and to eat bland foods that are calming.

Some of the items I've found that help are these:

Chocolate Carnation Instant Breakfast 

chocolate milk + some extra protein

Turkey slices with provolone cheese made excellent sandwiches or roll-ups

Kozy Shack Rice Pudding- comfort food that is creamy and sweet..but not too sweet

My favorite tea post chemo I drink it hot and iced.  Tazo Zen tea.  It's a green tea with a hint of mint and lemongrass

Love these little guys for snacking ..they make me smile!

I also enjoy soup...especially chicken soup...

So that's my post chemo menu.  Kinda boring and bland.  But it makes my tummy happy and that's all that matters.

And a nice saying I found:

Pacing Myself

One of the things I'm quickly learning on this cancer journey is that you can do "some of the things" but maybe not "all of things" you want to do.

Which is certainly educational but frankly...stinks sometimes.

Throughout my adult life I've always had several projects going at once.  It might be a work project or a volunteer project but I love being busy (and planning)

I'm finding out very quickly that cancer and chemo is helping me to prioritize and accept what I can do...and what I can't

For instance I have no patience for pettiness anymore.  

This is my new mantra

I'm finding this, while hard at first is ...making my life so much more peaceful.

I can go 'all in' for the things that really matter such as my family

and leave the rest...that matters notsomuch.

Losing my hair was hard, but not having to do my hair ...cut it or color it.

Actually is kinda nice and gives me a little more time to sleep in the am.

I think I took for granted having a high energy level and being busy.

These days I prioritize what needs to get done and appreciate that it may not always happen.

and you know what?

That's ok.

There's no guilt or beating myself up.

I haven't made a "to do" list in...weeks.

Because I know I can only do what I can.

At some point my feet start getting sharp pains from the chemo neuropathy and then

I get a little light headed which is my body's way of saying

"you've had enough"

So I listen.

Maybe cancer is teaching me to stop and smell the roses a little more.

Probably a very good thing.