Ease on down the road

 

I celebrated another birthday over the weekend. One thing about surviving cancer?  I don't care about getting older anymore.  It's a option I almost didn't have. So more birthdays...is always a GREAT thing!

I'm finally feeling normal again. Also good.  

Sure, I still have some neuropathy in my feet, but I have a feeling that may just be the new normal for me.  But more importantly my stamina is coming back. For the past year getting to work and back was just about all I could handle. Now I am focused on some work projects, home projects, traveling and perhaps a new hobby...writing.

And it all feels good.  

Really good.

I've also decided to get moving on my next set of surgeries.  I had an appointment last week with my new plastic surgeon. I have started the process of having  preventative mastectomy surgery in November with reconstruction to follow next spring.

The whole thought of "preventative" surgery makes me cringe a little.  Since that was how my ovarian cancer was discovered.  Yes it was preventative...it prevented me from dying. .  

Hoping this time will be different.  But if they find cancer, they find it early.

I may be the poster child for that :)

I have to admit the thought of losing my breasts is hard.  I am struggling with it.

But today when I was shopping I realized I have had to work my wardrobe around my breasts since I was 15.  Being large breasted is truly a pain...in the chest.

So here's to preventative surgery...whatever it may prevent.  Cancer or death.  Perhaps both?

And here's to wearing cute bras without massive support, camisoles with thin straps and backless shirts.  

Silver lining?  CHECK!

Maybe even a rainbow...

O Captain, my captain

The past few weeks have been a flurry of activity for me.  A trip to Connecticut to watch my oldest daughter graduate from college, lots of visiting with good friends and some time away from home and work to reflect on the past few years.

In the midst of all that activity I was able to watch The Dead Poet's Society.  I had forgotten about that movie.  Seeing a young enthusiastic Robin Williams made me miss him once again.  But the movie's meaning was as poignant as ever, especially after going thru a cancer diagnosis.

Carpe Diem...Seize the day!

I have been working and trying to get back to some sort of normal after chemo.  But somehow everything seems so different now.  Watching my daughter graduate I was reminded once again why a graduation is called a commencement.  Because it IS not an ending but a beginning.

So maybe cancer works the same way?

Maybe it makes me appreciate life *that* much more?

Perhaps it's a challenge to take the risks.  To love and to live a little more. 

 To fear less what happens if you fail.  

And maybe failing is ok because it will lead you to a better place?

Loss

Over the past the past 5 months I've thought a lot about death.  About what it means to die, and what kind of death cancer brings.  I've taken a cold hard looks at all the things I've accomplished and made a list of all the things I still want to do.  Cancer tends to be a clarifying moment for most people I guess.

I used to think I had plenty of time...
Time to learn and grow.  Time to spend with my family and friends.  But most of all time to live. The opportunity of life seemed endless.  A cancer diagnosis started to make me think more about the boundaries of my life.  That opportunity was still there, but it may not be limitless.  That instead of constantly planning for the future, maybe it would be good to live in the present, TODAY.

Yesterday I discovered a dear friend from high school died, quite suddenly.  Penny was beautiful, smart and funny.  But what I remember most was that she was kind.  Always.  A few years ago we reconnected on facebook and over the past few months she never failed to post an encouraging word to me as I was going through chemo.  I think I heard from her almost everyday.  This past Sunday I had noticed people posting encouraging messages to her, and so I asked her if she was ok.  She had had a heart attack, but was resting at home and feeling better.

The next day she was...gone.

I never realized how much she had touched my life till then.  As the vivacious high school friend to the strong, kind woman she grew up to be.  I will always think of her and know the world was a better place because of her.

FOCUS

I'm starting to look at what comes next after cancer treatment.  Which is such a happy thing and yet scary as well.  When I was diagnosed back in August, all the plans I had for the next year went out the window.  We had just moved to a new home and I had been accepted to a new graduate school program.  All of that needed to be put on hold.  If I'm being honest my thought pattern felt a little like this:

Focused on chemo and cancer...yes, but in a sickening and dizzy way.

It was a time to batten down the hatches and get ready to fight.  Which I did.  My family has as well. 

SCARY as hell.  And yet, coming out the other side it has changed me in a way that I know is going to make me a better person.  

I feel a little like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life"

Cancer may have been my "Clarence"

A wake up call before it's too late to appreciate all the good things in life without all the insignificant crap that really doesn't mean anything in the long run.

Looking forward to a new focus and hoping when life becomes crazy again

 (as I know it will) 

I remember to focus on what's really important 

The people who really matter and let go of the rest.

Here Comes The Sun

This has always been one of my favorite Beatle's songs

Coming out my Chemo haze and the sun seems to be joining me.

Lots to look forward to:

The holidays with family

New work digs

My mother and daughter here for the holidays

and only 1 more Chemo Treatment to go!

Today, going to soak in some sun, and maybe have a lunch date with my husband,

All good!

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas?

As I am starting to come out of my chemo haze, I'm noticing the world is starting to change.

First off, we are in very cold weather for Texas...30-40's

Brrrrrrrrr

Secondly, holiday lights are going up 

and lastly my favorite oldies station is now ALL CHRISTMAS MUSIC until December 26th.

Did I mention it is November 15?

I will be the first to admit my initial impression was:

Because I used to have a firm rule about eating Thanksgiving dinner before digging into Christmas. 

HOWEVER this year is different.

As I was listening (and grimacing) to Silver Bells on the radio this afternoon I realized.

When Christmas arrives....

I will be finished with CHEMO.

Like finished...done...no more.

SO 

I'm going to get in the spirit..

Do you see what I see?

Perhaps an end in sight...

and so much hope, love and laughter.

Great Fullness

Back in the 80's and 90's when I loved everything "OPRAH" I stumbled upon one of her ideas that has stayed.  

A Gratitude Journal

While I don't keep a journal anymore I have discovered through the years that if I could be grateful for 5 things before I fell asleep, I tended to sleep and feel a whole lot better.

Now some days I was just grateful I survived the day.

When my kids were little I was grateful for any amount of patience..................... (because I have NONE)

As I've gotten older stuff like "no plantar fasciitis attacks" or heartburn have made an appearance

Last night as I was thinking about my 5 things, I realized that being grateful gives me a great fullness.  

As in I feel whole, and happy.  Maybe I'm *exactly* where I'm supposed to be?

Bald head and all...

Last night my 5 things were:

1.  My family

2. My friends

3.  My health

4. My home

5. The ability to make a difference

I'll confess I had to really think about the health one.  But having cancer doesn't make me "unhealthy".  My body is tolerating chemo ok.  Is it a good time? No.

But so far I'm getting through it and that I am grateful for.

VERY. Grateful.

Try it...you may feel great full...

First Down on the 50 Yard Line

Hammer Time #3

I have completed half of my treatment...3 treatments down...3 to go!

SO I'm going to have a virtual halftime show before the pregame steroids wear off..

There are all my fabulous cheerleaders...family, friends, coworkers and blog readers

There will be football food (maybe not *today*)

And some floral floats ...

Aren't they gorgeous? I came home from Chemo to these flowers from one of my besties and my mom.  I am a lucky (and loved) girl :)

Ready to go for the touchdown because the other team frankly...sucks.

You Betcha!

Go Team!

Pacing Myself

One of the things I'm quickly learning on this cancer journey is that you can do "some of the things" but maybe not "all of things" you want to do.

Which is certainly educational but frankly...stinks sometimes.

Throughout my adult life I've always had several projects going at once.  It might be a work project or a volunteer project but I love being busy (and planning)

I'm finding out very quickly that cancer and chemo is helping me to prioritize and accept what I can do...and what I can't

For instance I have no patience for pettiness anymore.  

This is my new mantra

I'm finding this, while hard at first is ...making my life so much more peaceful.

I can go 'all in' for the things that really matter such as my family

and leave the rest...that matters notsomuch.

Losing my hair was hard, but not having to do my hair ...cut it or color it.

Actually is kinda nice and gives me a little more time to sleep in the am.

I think I took for granted having a high energy level and being busy.

These days I prioritize what needs to get done and appreciate that it may not always happen.

and you know what?

That's ok.

There's no guilt or beating myself up.

I haven't made a "to do" list in...weeks.

Because I know I can only do what I can.

At some point my feet start getting sharp pains from the chemo neuropathy and then

I get a little light headed which is my body's way of saying

"you've had enough"

So I listen.

Maybe cancer is teaching me to stop and smell the roses a little more.

Probably a very good thing.

Look Good...Feel Better...

Today I went to a special class sponsored by my Cancer Center and the American Cancer Society.

Appropriately called "Look Good, Feel Better"

And in the immortal words of Billy Crystal's Fernando...

"When You look good, you feel good.  Dahling you look Mahvelous!"

So I sat my little bald head down and learned how to use makeup to mimic the eyebrows and eyelashes I'm losing.

I learned about wigs and scarves and all sorts of great tricks to help make me feel better

and you know what?

I did...I felt better!

It was nice to sit with other women currently in Chemo.  Talking and laughing.  Well really...lots of laughing.  Because we are ALL RIGHT THERE.  

And we also got some great makeup kits to practice during class and take home.

Now I'm a huge sucker for any of those free gift with purchase deals in the makeup department.  So free make up?  BONUS!

Some pictures from today:

My spot at the table

Some hats and scarves 

My Make-up Kit

Yesterday was a hard day.  My first day back to work post Chemo is rough.  I almost passed out just walking into the building.  I ended up leaving early because I just felt so tired and lightheaded.

By the end of the day you sometimes really start to doubt yourself, it just all feels so dark.

But with some laughter and a little make-up today...I'm beginning to see the light again.

And for that I am grateful.

Post Chemo Blues.. Part 2

This round of chemo seems to be going a little better.  Changing up some of the meds to deal with the aches and numbness...is helping.

My sister came up last night with some awesome dinner from Fadi's (great mediterranean/turkish food) and I was actually able to eat a bit of chicken and hummus...and more importantly it tasted GOOD!

And then we had my chemo buddies.  My furbaby Lily, a collie and my furnephew Bennie a little shih tzu.  I love these dogs so much.  They always make me smile and are so loyal

Lily in full fur:

And Lily post shave when Texas proved a little too hot for all that fur

Poor baby!

But I swear everyday she looks at me and goes, "Don't worry about your hair mom, it's all gonna grow back...ask me how I know?"

And then there's Bennie who is the perfect napping companion

So even though I may not feel well, my family and furbabies keep me cozy and loved.  

Which I know makes my treatments feel so much better.

Post Chemo Blues...part 1

It's becoming a pattern...the day after chemo I feel fairly good and start to think, "hmmm, maybe this isn't so bad after all." This is most likely due to all those steroids they give pre chemo.

And then comes day 2 post chemo.

Where nothing looks good, feels good and all I want to do is sleep...if I can.

The hardest past?  I have no concentration, so reading or binge watching TV doesn't work.

My short term memory is shot and I ask my poor husband and kids the same questions all the time.

Thankfully they are patient and know it'll pass.

I hope they're right.

Meet my new little friend and Hammer Time....Chemo #2

Yesterday I made a new little friend.  I like to think of him as my very own Minion.

Going thru chemo is very hard on veins.  So my medical team recommended placing a medport for Chemo as well as the frequent blood draws I get to monitor my treatment.

My last IV site looks like this:

And this was a good IV stick—1st try!

So I agreed to a power port.  I had a 20 minute procedure to insert it and now will not be needing any more vein sticks till I am finished with treatment!  

This is what the powerport looks like inside:

They use a special locking needle and sterile technique when accessing it for blood work or Chemo.

This is a picture of my minion -non-accessed 1 day after insertion and honestly it doesn't really hurt

Eventually the little steristrip dressing will fall off on it's own in the next week or two.

And this is what it looks like when it's accessed for chemo

So I welcome with affection my little Minion who will do my bidding to kick cancer to the curb.

And today was HAMMER TIME #2

I now have 1/3 of my treatments done...WOOT!

Since I have had some neuropathy (numbness) in my feet and fingertips, which is a side effect of my particular chem (Taxol).  My Oncologist suggested some B6 supplements, and put me on Lyrica.

I also got these really cool ice booties while I was getting taxol today

(get it...really...cool?)

The thought is the coolness decreases circulation to the area which decreases chemo to my feet and will hopefully slow the progression of the neuropathy

and of course Roberta was back to hang out for a while

 A nice picture of my better half, my husband Dave:

And of course a shot of me in my cozy hat courtesy of Maggie:

Home now, feeling a little funky.  I know the next few days are going to be a little rough. But this

time I think I have a better idea on how to deal with the pain and fuzziness 

Lastly, a quote from a favorite singer..Pink: