O Captain, my captain

The past few weeks have been a flurry of activity for me.  A trip to Connecticut to watch my oldest daughter graduate from college, lots of visiting with good friends and some time away from home and work to reflect on the past few years.

In the midst of all that activity I was able to watch The Dead Poet's Society.  I had forgotten about that movie.  Seeing a young enthusiastic Robin Williams made me miss him once again.  But the movie's meaning was as poignant as ever, especially after going thru a cancer diagnosis.

Carpe Diem...Seize the day!

I have been working and trying to get back to some sort of normal after chemo.  But somehow everything seems so different now.  Watching my daughter graduate I was reminded once again why a graduation is called a commencement.  Because it IS not an ending but a beginning.

So maybe cancer works the same way?

Maybe it makes me appreciate life *that* much more?

Perhaps it's a challenge to take the risks.  To love and to live a little more. 

 To fear less what happens if you fail.  

And maybe failing is ok because it will lead you to a better place?

Loss

Over the past the past 5 months I've thought a lot about death.  About what it means to die, and what kind of death cancer brings.  I've taken a cold hard looks at all the things I've accomplished and made a list of all the things I still want to do.  Cancer tends to be a clarifying moment for most people I guess.

I used to think I had plenty of time...
Time to learn and grow.  Time to spend with my family and friends.  But most of all time to live. The opportunity of life seemed endless.  A cancer diagnosis started to make me think more about the boundaries of my life.  That opportunity was still there, but it may not be limitless.  That instead of constantly planning for the future, maybe it would be good to live in the present, TODAY.

Yesterday I discovered a dear friend from high school died, quite suddenly.  Penny was beautiful, smart and funny.  But what I remember most was that she was kind.  Always.  A few years ago we reconnected on facebook and over the past few months she never failed to post an encouraging word to me as I was going through chemo.  I think I heard from her almost everyday.  This past Sunday I had noticed people posting encouraging messages to her, and so I asked her if she was ok.  She had had a heart attack, but was resting at home and feeling better.

The next day she was...gone.

I never realized how much she had touched my life till then.  As the vivacious high school friend to the strong, kind woman she grew up to be.  I will always think of her and know the world was a better place because of her.

Biological Tick Tock

Back in my 30's everyone was concerned with their biological clock.  Which meant having babies.  If you were 35 unmarried and had not had children surely everyone in a 10 mile radius could actually "hear" your clock ticking.

Interestingly I feel a bit similar right now.

Of course my kids are older, and the clock I can hear ticking has nothing to do with babies.

My clock is ticking with the hope I will NOT get another cancer before I can prevent it.

Confused?

When I discovered my mutation the thought was to remove my ovaries and tubes first THEN do breast surgery to remove the risk of breast cancer.

Currently I'm on plan B

Found cancer early...treated it.

Hope to hell I can recover from chemo...and beat the clock before I am diagnosed with breast cancer.

I *could* be zen and say "Que sera, sera...whatever will be, will be"

But I think I'd need some better drugs or a nice grey goose cosmo (or 3)

to get me there.

When it comes to my BRCA mutation I'm a believer.

Cancer?  Is not an if...it's a when.

Tick...tick...tick...

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas?

As I am starting to come out of my chemo haze, I'm noticing the world is starting to change.

First off, we are in very cold weather for Texas...30-40's

Brrrrrrrrr

Secondly, holiday lights are going up 

and lastly my favorite oldies station is now ALL CHRISTMAS MUSIC until December 26th.

Did I mention it is November 15?

I will be the first to admit my initial impression was:

Because I used to have a firm rule about eating Thanksgiving dinner before digging into Christmas. 

HOWEVER this year is different.

As I was listening (and grimacing) to Silver Bells on the radio this afternoon I realized.

When Christmas arrives....

I will be finished with CHEMO.

Like finished...done...no more.

SO 

I'm going to get in the spirit..

Do you see what I see?

Perhaps an end in sight...

and so much hope, love and laughter.

Dark Skies

Just feeling a little dark today.

It's pouring rain in Texas and I'm halfway through chemo.

I'm usually a glass half full kind of girl.

But today I think I'm going to indulge the dark side for a bit.

Cancer really sucks.

I feel like crap and I'm bald.  

While I am so grateful to have my family with me.

I am really missing all of my great friends in CT.

You know the ones who can make you smile, no matter what.

The kind who have a completely inappropriate sense of humor that is so wrong

and yet...so right.

So pity party...of one, right this way.

Looking forward to my extended family coming for the weekend.

And Christmas AKA my last chemo treatment