Breaking Bald

When I first discovered I was going to be receiving chemo, one of the first questions I asked was "Will I lose my hair?"  The answer was yes and 3 weeks after my first infusion of Taxol, I started shedding massive amounts of hair.

Now I have been bald for 3 months.  I have a collection of hats, scarves and a wig.  Until recently I wore them all whenever I went out of the house.

Scrub hat for work

Partial collection...and yes a large miralax bottle makes a fine wig form :)

But truthfully I hate wearing them.  They are hot, sometimes itchy and they make me fidget.  I've always been that way, you can ask my mother...if it was itchy I'm not wearing it.  (yes, mom, I know you are nodding in agreement right now)

So lately I had been pondering the question of why am I covering up the bald...or as my son calls it #ChromeDome?  Obviously men wear the bald all the time and no one thinks twice.

Who loves ya baby?

  I thought about when I saw women bald...did I notice them? Truthfully yes, yes I did.  Was it offensive? no, if anything I thought they were brave and most looked good bald.

So why am I still covering the bald?

Some of it is a lack of femininity.  But most has to do with being bald in public is a bit like announcing to the world "I have Cancer".  It makes me feel vulnerable.

Then I realized that a baseball cap, scarf or wig, on my bald head is really NOT camouflaging the bald ...at all. Pssst people can tell....

So after polling some friends and getting up the nerve I have been in public all week

stark...raving....BALD!

And I'm excited to report...no one cared.

And it felt so good! 

LONG LIVE THE BALD!

Well at least until I have some hair..

(and I love the fact my glasses cover my lack of eyebrows!)

And a little BRCA humor...

Why Scary Movies Aren't As Scary

Happy Halloween!

As the scary season is upon us, I'm noticing something interesting.  Scary movies just don't seem as scary to me.

I love a good scary movie and always have.  My kids routinely love to scare me and watch me jump.  But this year those movies and scares don't seem to make me JUMP! Like they used to.

A huge favorite...Chris Sarandon as a Vampire next door?  yes..please :)

Kiefer before 24

Cheesy goodness

I'm starting to discover that horror movies don't scary me as much, because I am now living my own scary movie.

In which the Alien is hiding in my body...cancer

Ahhh....yeah.  That is some pretty scary stuff right there.

So yeah, I'm in the trenches fighting my alien cancer cells and hopefully winning

BUT WAIT!

Like any good horror movie there's....more

Since I am BRCA 1+ I also have a 70% risk of breast cancer...and of Triple negative breast cancer the hardest most aggressive form of breast cancer to treat.

That's like leaving a wounded slasher WITH a knife!

And that my friends is SCARY.

I'm starting to think about what comes after chemo and am realizing quickly I don't want to leave " a slasher with a knife"

Which means surgery to remove my breasts...as soon as I'm medically cleared to do so after chemo is over.

I am hoping to reduce the slasher -Triple Negative Breast Cancer

To this

Because I ain't scared of no ghosts...

But I am scared of cancer.

Brave?

Starting to feel a bit more normal post treatment so went out for a taco with my husband tonight. Gorgeous night out...82 degrees Texas fall evening.  

While getting gas I snapped this selfie, which isn't quite the "full monty" but is me rocking my bald with my favorite blingy baseball cap.

I've always been a grab and go kinda gal.  I have a nice wig, hats and scarfs but this baseball cap really seems to do it for me.  It's light, kinda lacy with a bit of sparkle.

SO here goes...I still have a little eyebrow and lashes left, but not much

I wear a surgical cap to work which blends in well in the hospital environment.

Not doing my hair takes a good 20-30 minutes off my getting ready in the morning.

I could get used to that...

JUST KIDDING!

As a good friend recently told me, "God only has so many perfect heads, the rest she has to put hair on"

My mantra...

First Down on the 50 Yard Line

Hammer Time #3

I have completed half of my treatment...3 treatments down...3 to go!

SO I'm going to have a virtual halftime show before the pregame steroids wear off..

There are all my fabulous cheerleaders...family, friends, coworkers and blog readers

There will be football food (maybe not *today*)

And some floral floats ...

Aren't they gorgeous? I came home from Chemo to these flowers from one of my besties and my mom.  I am a lucky (and loved) girl :)

Ready to go for the touchdown because the other team frankly...sucks.

You Betcha!

Go Team!

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

This week is my sweet spot in regards to chemo.  I receive treatment every 3 weeks.  The week before I  get chemo is my best week.  Other than the neuropathy (numbness) in my feet and finger tips as well as some fatigue,  I feel good and my appetite is back.  So I enjoy this week and appreciate it so very much.

We've done a little decorating for Halloween..

Bought some pansies to plant

Since it's still in the 90's this week I'll probably get a swim in this afternoon as well!

So I'm just going to relax and be in the moment as next week...is coming.

Hereditary Breast and Ovarian Cancer Week

This week is National Hereditary Breast and Ovarian Cancer Week (HBOC), which is fitting since September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness month and October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I love our ribbon as it encompasses both breast and ovarian cancers

While I give my breast cancer sisters kudos for the amazing efforts that have helped make huge strides in early detection and better treatment of breast cancer.

Sometimes

I get a little tired of pink..

There I said it.

While breast cancer affects more woman.

Ovarian cancer is more deadly as we have no way to detect it early

Only 15% of ovarian cancers are detected early

:(

So to all my dear friends I ask you

Starting to come out of my chemo fog...

Hopefully a better day ahead.

Post Chemo Blues.. Part 2

This round of chemo seems to be going a little better.  Changing up some of the meds to deal with the aches and numbness...is helping.

My sister came up last night with some awesome dinner from Fadi's (great mediterranean/turkish food) and I was actually able to eat a bit of chicken and hummus...and more importantly it tasted GOOD!

And then we had my chemo buddies.  My furbaby Lily, a collie and my furnephew Bennie a little shih tzu.  I love these dogs so much.  They always make me smile and are so loyal

Lily in full fur:

And Lily post shave when Texas proved a little too hot for all that fur

Poor baby!

But I swear everyday she looks at me and goes, "Don't worry about your hair mom, it's all gonna grow back...ask me how I know?"

And then there's Bennie who is the perfect napping companion

So even though I may not feel well, my family and furbabies keep me cozy and loved.  

Which I know makes my treatments feel so much better.

Post Chemo Blues...part 1

It's becoming a pattern...the day after chemo I feel fairly good and start to think, "hmmm, maybe this isn't so bad after all." This is most likely due to all those steroids they give pre chemo.

And then comes day 2 post chemo.

Where nothing looks good, feels good and all I want to do is sleep...if I can.

The hardest past?  I have no concentration, so reading or binge watching TV doesn't work.

My short term memory is shot and I ask my poor husband and kids the same questions all the time.

Thankfully they are patient and know it'll pass.

I hope they're right.

Meet my new little friend and Hammer Time....Chemo #2

Yesterday I made a new little friend.  I like to think of him as my very own Minion.

Going thru chemo is very hard on veins.  So my medical team recommended placing a medport for Chemo as well as the frequent blood draws I get to monitor my treatment.

My last IV site looks like this:

And this was a good IV stick—1st try!

So I agreed to a power port.  I had a 20 minute procedure to insert it and now will not be needing any more vein sticks till I am finished with treatment!  

This is what the powerport looks like inside:

They use a special locking needle and sterile technique when accessing it for blood work or Chemo.

This is a picture of my minion -non-accessed 1 day after insertion and honestly it doesn't really hurt

Eventually the little steristrip dressing will fall off on it's own in the next week or two.

And this is what it looks like when it's accessed for chemo

So I welcome with affection my little Minion who will do my bidding to kick cancer to the curb.

And today was HAMMER TIME #2

I now have 1/3 of my treatments done...WOOT!

Since I have had some neuropathy (numbness) in my feet and fingertips, which is a side effect of my particular chem (Taxol).  My Oncologist suggested some B6 supplements, and put me on Lyrica.

I also got these really cool ice booties while I was getting taxol today

(get it...really...cool?)

The thought is the coolness decreases circulation to the area which decreases chemo to my feet and will hopefully slow the progression of the neuropathy

and of course Roberta was back to hang out for a while

 A nice picture of my better half, my husband Dave:

And of course a shot of me in my cozy hat courtesy of Maggie:

Home now, feeling a little funky.  I know the next few days are going to be a little rough. But this

time I think I have a better idea on how to deal with the pain and fuzziness 

Lastly, a quote from a favorite singer..Pink:

Bring it on

This past week has been a mixture of things that go wrong, hair falling out, dread....

and

Everything that is so right with my life.

First the bad:

Being bumped out of the closer parking lot at work

Numb feet

Tripping and falling on a curb on my way into work

My backordered wig

My leave being approved for the wrong number of days

My husband needing minor surgery

But as my husband always reminds me, into every sunny day a little rain must fall.

 Now the good:

Spending time with my family

A better (and cheaper) wig!

A husband who is healing well (surgery a success)

A manager who is understanding

and painting pool side

And a chance to stop and smell the roses my friends at work sent me.

Physically I'm feeling so much better that it hurts to think about having a port put in tomorrow and chemo on Thursday.

And yet, I have to remember that I'm in it, to win it.  

So in order to hammer my alien cancer I will be donning my best Ellen Ripley impression

and kicking some cancer ass in the infusion room on Thursday

BRING. IT. ON.

Starry, Starry Night

Starting to dread going into my next chemo session this week.  Coupled with a minor surgery to place a mediport to receive chemo means lots of hospital time/meds and feeling like....crap.

One of the bright spots in my week last week was the Dallas Force Support group.

FORCE (facing our risk of cancer empowered) is a group dedicated to BRCA+ women as well as women who are high risk for developing cancer.  At the meeting I met some really great woman.  Some were previvors, others survivors...but all were stuck in the same genetic cancer boat as me.

At least our boat is full of great people!

Anyhow...

We did a little art therapy called "wrecked books"

You choose an old book and rip out pages.

Then use it to journal "artistically" 

I had forgotten just how much I loved all things art related in grade school!

With a paint brush, set of water colors and a can of water I could almost *be* back in first grade.

No worries, chatting with my friends and creating.

It made me feel so happy and relaxed.

So today I'm going to buy some watercolors and paper and start painting.

Because it's good for my soul

A Farewell to ... my hair

Ahhhh....

Yes, the day I had been dreading has arrived.

When I knew I would be starting chemo, my next question was, "when will I lose my hair?"  Due to the type of Chemo I'm on (Taxol/Carbol) I was told it would be between 2-3 weeks after the first treatment.

Last Sunday night when I got out of the shower I discovered the process was starting when my body hair decided to go brazilian.

Slowly my hair has been shedding.

Before I was diagnosed I thought you lost hair like this:

As in "poof! all gone"

But it actuality is more like this:

And while I admit I cried a little when I realized it was falling out.  

After the first 2 days it just got annoying.  

Hair loss tip:  When your hair is falling out, greasing up with baby oil and then blowing your hair dry...may not be a good idea.  I was oiled...and feathered. 

So I shaved it all off this am.

It was almost anti-climatic.

And it feels....so good :)

and a final word or 3...

Fuck you cancer.