The All Done Club

In the world of BRCA mutants there is a little thing called "The All Done Club"

I am now happily a member.  

It means you have decided to have surgery to prevent dying from hereditary breast and ovarian cancers by having your Ovaries, Fallopian Tubes and Breasts removed.

Once your surgeries are finished you are "All Done"

None of that is easy on the best of days.

I made a few detours on my way to the all done club by being diagnosed with stage 1 fallopian tube cancer.  So being "All Done" almost had a whole other meaning.

As in DONE.

Not going to lie, that haunts me and will continue to haunt me everyday.  

But the best part of the "All Done Club"

is just that...I am finished with all this cancer business and ready to move on with my life after 2 years worth of detours and frankly, huge personal growth.

I am not the person I used to be.

Cancer has aged me.  I'll admit it.  I don't take my life for granted anymore.  I'm just happy to be here!

I am still recovering from diep flap surgery.  I hit a little detour there as well.  I developed a hematoma on one breast.  But it is resolving nicely, just not as quickly as I'd like.

I'm also looking at my first mother's day without my mom.

Geez, I can't even type that without tearing up.

I guess it's all just part of the journey

The Other Side of the Mountain

I had a double mastectomy 11/19.  Hopefully preventative, although we don't get the full pathology report back till tomorrow. The past week has been filled with drugs of every type.  Since I gag just hearing the word "Morphine" I had a lovely epidural in addition to my IV pca pump along with lots of good anti nausea meds for good measure.  My pain levels have been tolerable, but some of the dreams have been a little disconcerting.  I've had several conversations with my dad (who died 8 yrs ago), worked on policy and procedure protocols I can no longer recollect.  Some days I just plain lost track of what day it was,  and frankly didn't even care.

I've been better since I've gotten home.  Taking my meds by mouth and dealing with the 4 drains attached to me.  I'm hoping to shed one, two (or more!) of those drains in the next few days.

In terms of my breasts.  I have small adolescent breasts, no nipple, larger suture lines with hard-ish expanders underneath.  I've been told they look like they're supposed to.  SO for now I guess that will do.

One think I do know for sure is that as soon as I am free of these drains I will be shopping for any kind of blouse or dress I could NOT wear due bra requirements.

Because I now have NONE.

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do

I can see clearly now the rain is gone

I am now 3 months post chemo and just had my first 3 month cancer follow up.  Thankfully my exam and lab work all came back within normal limits.  So a huge Yeah on that!

My neuropathy seems to be diminishing.  The physical therapy, massage therapy and time seem to be doing the trick.  I am back to work full time and it is Spring in Texas which is just glorious

That means warm temperatures and Bluebonnets

My hair is finally coming in. I had to laugh when I realized the cowlicks I have, that my mom used to worry about when I was a little girl?  Are still there!  Anyone ever dealt with a double crown cowlick?  I'm sure it means something in some culture somewhere.

Here you go:

But at least it's not all grey!

A celebration dinner with my sister and friends to commemorate her birthday and my great 3 month check up

I have been struggling a bit with survivorship (that's what it's called by the way)

Because the anxiety of follow up exams and testing always reminds me cancer lurks in my background.  So I made a deal with myself.  I have NO control over a recurrence. NONE.  I do have control about what I worry about.  So I will not give cancer even more of my life by worrying about it.  I'll keep my appointments, good attitude and try to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  I will enjoy my family and friends..and I will admire the bluebonnets.  

But I will not let cancer anxiety control my life.

And you know what?  I slept like a baby the night before my check-up.

True story.

And since I am (proudly) a native Kansan, this seems appropriate:

My Favorite Escape

No it's not Hawaii, Italy or the Caribbean

Although I do love all those places.

My favorite escape is a good book.  

As my chemobrain is improving I'm able to read again.

This makes me so very happy!

One of the ways I've always coped with sadness or hard times is by diving head first into a good book

One of the hardest parts of Chemo was the inability to concentrate enough to read.

As the chemo leaves my system for the final time I'm having a great time catching up on all my reading.

Whether it's a great thriller, a new Stephen King book, a biography or even cook books, I have always had my nose in a book

As far back as third grade I used to walk home from school reading a book...and often ended up either off course or walking into a things because I was so engrossed in the story. Leaving me to explain why I had a bruise on my forehead from walking into a tree!

Many of the stories and characters still live in my mind.

I've also learned so much from books.  Fiction, Nonfiction, Historical or pure Chick-Lit.

It's all been good.  

So have you read a good book lately?  

I have :)

FOCUS

I'm starting to look at what comes next after cancer treatment.  Which is such a happy thing and yet scary as well.  When I was diagnosed back in August, all the plans I had for the next year went out the window.  We had just moved to a new home and I had been accepted to a new graduate school program.  All of that needed to be put on hold.  If I'm being honest my thought pattern felt a little like this:

Focused on chemo and cancer...yes, but in a sickening and dizzy way.

It was a time to batten down the hatches and get ready to fight.  Which I did.  My family has as well. 

SCARY as hell.  And yet, coming out the other side it has changed me in a way that I know is going to make me a better person.  

I feel a little like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life"

Cancer may have been my "Clarence"

A wake up call before it's too late to appreciate all the good things in life without all the insignificant crap that really doesn't mean anything in the long run.

Looking forward to a new focus and hoping when life becomes crazy again

 (as I know it will) 

I remember to focus on what's really important 

The people who really matter and let go of the rest.

Thanksgiving...it's more than just dinner

We had a really nice Thanksgiving.  I think we all ate too much, but having all my kids and my sister under the same roof was amazing.  We made and ate lots of delicious food, drank some good wine and laughed quite a bit.

The smell of Turkey cooking will always be a favorite smell for me.

A few days before thanksgiving I had the usual pre chemo appointment with my Oncologist.  She is a terrific doctor, but a bit of a straight shooter.  She can be a little blunt.  I remember prior to my surgery I had said to her I felt lucky " being BRCA 1+ to have gotten to 50 and not had cancer" and she replied "Well, we really can't say that...yet"

Gotta admit I was a little ticked by that response

However 1 month later at my post op appointment I discovered she was right.  I did in fact, have cancer.

I guess as a GYN Oncologist, she'd...uh...done this before ;)

So at my appointment a few days ago, we were discussing the "home stretch" 2 more treatments, another month and I would be finished with my treatment.  We talked about follow up.  I'd be seen every 3 months for the next 2 years, then every 6 months till 5 years and then yearly after that.

But most importantly she told me she felt I would be CURED when I finished treatment.

CURED.

WOW!

And coming from my doctor, who is very detail and research oriented...I was surprised and happy.

I'll be honest in saying I don't completely trust it, as I don't trust cancer.

Am I going to hold my breath before those future check ups and blood work, praying nothing is amiss?

You betcha.

But maybe cancer has taught me one very important lesson:

you never know what's going to happen tomorrow so

Appreciate TODAY.

Because it truly is a PRESENT

Some other things I'm working on

I think 1 and 2 may be the hardest, at least for me ;)

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas?

As I am starting to come out of my chemo haze, I'm noticing the world is starting to change.

First off, we are in very cold weather for Texas...30-40's

Brrrrrrrrr

Secondly, holiday lights are going up 

and lastly my favorite oldies station is now ALL CHRISTMAS MUSIC until December 26th.

Did I mention it is November 15?

I will be the first to admit my initial impression was:

Because I used to have a firm rule about eating Thanksgiving dinner before digging into Christmas. 

HOWEVER this year is different.

As I was listening (and grimacing) to Silver Bells on the radio this afternoon I realized.

When Christmas arrives....

I will be finished with CHEMO.

Like finished...done...no more.

SO 

I'm going to get in the spirit..

Do you see what I see?

Perhaps an end in sight...

and so much hope, love and laughter.

Dark Skies

Just feeling a little dark today.

It's pouring rain in Texas and I'm halfway through chemo.

I'm usually a glass half full kind of girl.

But today I think I'm going to indulge the dark side for a bit.

Cancer really sucks.

I feel like crap and I'm bald.  

While I am so grateful to have my family with me.

I am really missing all of my great friends in CT.

You know the ones who can make you smile, no matter what.

The kind who have a completely inappropriate sense of humor that is so wrong

and yet...so right.

So pity party...of one, right this way.

Looking forward to my extended family coming for the weekend.

And Christmas AKA my last chemo treatment

Great Fullness

Back in the 80's and 90's when I loved everything "OPRAH" I stumbled upon one of her ideas that has stayed.  

A Gratitude Journal

While I don't keep a journal anymore I have discovered through the years that if I could be grateful for 5 things before I fell asleep, I tended to sleep and feel a whole lot better.

Now some days I was just grateful I survived the day.

When my kids were little I was grateful for any amount of patience..................... (because I have NONE)

As I've gotten older stuff like "no plantar fasciitis attacks" or heartburn have made an appearance

Last night as I was thinking about my 5 things, I realized that being grateful gives me a great fullness.  

As in I feel whole, and happy.  Maybe I'm *exactly* where I'm supposed to be?

Bald head and all...

Last night my 5 things were:

1.  My family

2. My friends

3.  My health

4. My home

5. The ability to make a difference

I'll confess I had to really think about the health one.  But having cancer doesn't make me "unhealthy".  My body is tolerating chemo ok.  Is it a good time? No.

But so far I'm getting through it and that I am grateful for.

VERY. Grateful.

Try it...you may feel great full...