Humpty Dumpty

 

I am 10 days out from Diep Flap Surgery.  That is where they take your lower abdominal fat to reconstruct breasts after a mastectomy.  I knew it was going to be a hard surgery, but it was maybe even more so than I thought.  My recovery so far has gone well.  But with 3 large incisions and 4 JP drains I have to admit I feel a lot like Humpty Dumpty after the fall.

Stranger still, my new body.  My stomach is now flatter than it was when I was 16.  I think my belly button seems about 2 inches higher...probably because my excess belly was ...much lower?

At any rate, I'm sure it will become the new normal.  I will like it.  But right now it feels like yet another new normal to adjust to.  Admittedly I am just really tired of feeling sick in any way shape or form.  

So that's what I've been up to.  Recovering, yet again.  Hanging on the couch, spending time with my family and catching up on some Netflix series' I've been meaning to watch. 

So pardon my wine...I'll go get some cheese.

STOP...go directly to jail...do not pass go

Do not collect 200.00

Ahhhhh

What an interesting few months it has been.

First the jail part.

Well, I didn't actually go to jail.  But I was pulled over for blowing off a stop sign in the very small metropolis of Double Oak,  Texas.  Why was I in Double Oak?  Because I decided to take the long way home from the grocery store to see the miniature donkey farm.

Have you ever seen a little donkey?

SO cute.

Anyhow I got a nice 210.00 ticket for missing the stop sign near the little donkeys.  I've been told by others this is a common occurrence and they probably make a decent amount of money on that particular stop sign.  

My sister and I thought perhaps we could earn the money back by selling t shirts outside the courtroom (which FYI only meets the third Thursday of the month at 6pm) that read:

"I paid 210.00 to see a little ass in Double Oak Texas"

Now for the do not pass go....

Living life after cancer means being hypersensitive to any sign the cancer beast has returned.  Recently I started to experience urinary frequency and pain.  I tried to ignore it and hoped maybe it would go away.  But then realized...yes, this is one of *those* symptoms associated with my cancer.  So I went in for more testing.  

It's a really interesting day when finding out you have a UTI is great news...as it isn't cancer and I'm not neurotic.  

Now the 200.00...

I have been plugging along with filling my breast expanders.  I think I am close to where I want to eventually be.  I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon in a week to confirm and go over the details for surgery.

While I am happy about all of that, even though I feel like I have flotation devices embedded in my chest right now..

There is a great sadness on my horizon.

We placed my mother on hospice care 2 weeks ago.  She has fought a valiant battle against COPD for several years.  I can only hope and pray we can make her as comfortable as possible in the time she has left.

Ch-ch-changes...

I am now 3 weeks out from a double mastectomy.  It's been a rough few weeks.  But not in the ways I thought it would be.  I was very scared I would miss my breasts.  This hasn't been the case at all.  It feels strange to even write that.  But after having large breasts and always needing to wear a bra. I am really enjoying not wearing a bra and the way my clothing fits now.  Buttoning a blouse for most, is a very common occurrence, but not for me.  There were always gaping areas that needed a safety pin (or 2)! But no longer

I've tossed my large bras and big safety pins...so all good news there.


On the darker side is pain.  I have expanders in to help stretch the muscle and it seems no matter how I sit or lay they are uncomfortable.


And the darkness goes further than that. It feels to me sometimes that once cancer enters your life it seems to stay.  Even if your testing and scans are good...there's still the anxiety of what those results will show.

There is a loss of innocence that you never regain.  Yes, you've have cancer...and yes, it could happen again.

SO you live your life.  I think the not knowing perhaps makes life a little sweeter, more precious.

You look at your new body as a (for the most part) good upgrade

You learn to re-navigate the bra dept.  No more supportive/minimizer bras for me...ever.
But that leaves lots of territory to explore.  Territory I have never even looked at and frankly find ...intimidating.

I confess to finding my old favorite maximizer bra on the sale rack, to to pet it good bye.

on to smaller and better things :)

The Other Side of the Mountain

I had a double mastectomy 11/19.  Hopefully preventative, although we don't get the full pathology report back till tomorrow. The past week has been filled with drugs of every type.  Since I gag just hearing the word "Morphine" I had a lovely epidural in addition to my IV pca pump along with lots of good anti nausea meds for good measure.  My pain levels have been tolerable, but some of the dreams have been a little disconcerting.  I've had several conversations with my dad (who died 8 yrs ago), worked on policy and procedure protocols I can no longer recollect.  Some days I just plain lost track of what day it was,  and frankly didn't even care.

I've been better since I've gotten home.  Taking my meds by mouth and dealing with the 4 drains attached to me.  I'm hoping to shed one, two (or more!) of those drains in the next few days.

In terms of my breasts.  I have small adolescent breasts, no nipple, larger suture lines with hard-ish expanders underneath.  I've been told they look like they're supposed to.  SO for now I guess that will do.

One think I do know for sure is that as soon as I am free of these drains I will be shopping for any kind of blouse or dress I could NOT wear due bra requirements.

Because I now have NONE.

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do

A Fond Farewell

The time is quickly drawing near for the first of my breast surgeries. I will be having a double mastectomy on Thursday Nov. 19th.  

Naturally this has been a hard decision.  Not that I need my breasts or that they define who I am.  But they are a part of my body that for most say 

"Woman"

When I knew I was going to lose my hair to chemo, a wise friend told me that my hair did NOT define who I was.  I took that thought to heart.  I still do.  Although this time it's my breasts.

Be it my wedding day

or feeding my babies

My breasts have been a large part of my life.

But none of that defines me.

So it is with sadness I say goodbye to a part of me that has taken me from 

"crayons to perfume"

It makes me cry.

Not going to lie. 

JSS

My kids and I are huge fans of The Walking Dead.  We all eagerly await the season every year when it starts up in October.

In tonight's episode one of the group, a teen who has lived on her own writes 

"JSS"

everywhere.

By the end of the episode we learn it means

"Just Survive Somehow"

While this is appropriate for just about anyone, I think it goes double for anyone in either a zombie apocalypse

OR 

carrying a cancer causing gene mutation.

Until you are in that moment, I am not sure you completely get it.  

Prophylactic surgery is the VERY definition of ...

Just Survive Somehow.

And so I am.

I couldn't help but think Carol would be a great BRCA mutant.

Now that my hair's growing I'm proudly rocking Carol's short gray hair style.

(photo credits to TWD and MM)