Humpty Dumpty

 

I am 10 days out from Diep Flap Surgery.  That is where they take your lower abdominal fat to reconstruct breasts after a mastectomy.  I knew it was going to be a hard surgery, but it was maybe even more so than I thought.  My recovery so far has gone well.  But with 3 large incisions and 4 JP drains I have to admit I feel a lot like Humpty Dumpty after the fall.

Stranger still, my new body.  My stomach is now flatter than it was when I was 16.  I think my belly button seems about 2 inches higher...probably because my excess belly was ...much lower?

At any rate, I'm sure it will become the new normal.  I will like it.  But right now it feels like yet another new normal to adjust to.  Admittedly I am just really tired of feeling sick in any way shape or form.  

So that's what I've been up to.  Recovering, yet again.  Hanging on the couch, spending time with my family and catching up on some Netflix series' I've been meaning to watch. 

So pardon my wine...I'll go get some cheese.

The Other Side of the Mountain

I had a double mastectomy 11/19.  Hopefully preventative, although we don't get the full pathology report back till tomorrow. The past week has been filled with drugs of every type.  Since I gag just hearing the word "Morphine" I had a lovely epidural in addition to my IV pca pump along with lots of good anti nausea meds for good measure.  My pain levels have been tolerable, but some of the dreams have been a little disconcerting.  I've had several conversations with my dad (who died 8 yrs ago), worked on policy and procedure protocols I can no longer recollect.  Some days I just plain lost track of what day it was,  and frankly didn't even care.

I've been better since I've gotten home.  Taking my meds by mouth and dealing with the 4 drains attached to me.  I'm hoping to shed one, two (or more!) of those drains in the next few days.

In terms of my breasts.  I have small adolescent breasts, no nipple, larger suture lines with hard-ish expanders underneath.  I've been told they look like they're supposed to.  SO for now I guess that will do.

One think I do know for sure is that as soon as I am free of these drains I will be shopping for any kind of blouse or dress I could NOT wear due bra requirements.

Because I now have NONE.

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Who's the fairest of them all?

Hmmm  probably not me.  But things have been moving along in my post chemo world

Firstly...I have hair!  It's coming in nice and thick.  I feel a bit like a calico cat because it is blonde, brown and grey...perhaps I can call it bronze?

My eyebrows and eyelashes are also growing back.  My eyelashes while plentiful are now short without a curl to them.  

I've tried several different mascaras including those with fibers to help lengthen them with no luck.  They simply look like..dead spiders

Not even kidding :(

So what's a girl to do?

Get lash extensions...that's what.

I'm not a girly girl so I'll admit I have never even thought about false eyelashes.  But after talking to a friend, I decided to look into it.

Perhaps use a groupon to a local eyelash salon with excellent ratings.  

I have to say once I relaxed the process was easy and I love the end result

Before:

After:

Much better!

O Captain, my captain

The past few weeks have been a flurry of activity for me.  A trip to Connecticut to watch my oldest daughter graduate from college, lots of visiting with good friends and some time away from home and work to reflect on the past few years.

In the midst of all that activity I was able to watch The Dead Poet's Society.  I had forgotten about that movie.  Seeing a young enthusiastic Robin Williams made me miss him once again.  But the movie's meaning was as poignant as ever, especially after going thru a cancer diagnosis.

Carpe Diem...Seize the day!

I have been working and trying to get back to some sort of normal after chemo.  But somehow everything seems so different now.  Watching my daughter graduate I was reminded once again why a graduation is called a commencement.  Because it IS not an ending but a beginning.

So maybe cancer works the same way?

Maybe it makes me appreciate life *that* much more?

Perhaps it's a challenge to take the risks.  To love and to live a little more. 

 To fear less what happens if you fail.  

And maybe failing is ok because it will lead you to a better place?

I can see clearly now the rain is gone

I am now 3 months post chemo and just had my first 3 month cancer follow up.  Thankfully my exam and lab work all came back within normal limits.  So a huge Yeah on that!

My neuropathy seems to be diminishing.  The physical therapy, massage therapy and time seem to be doing the trick.  I am back to work full time and it is Spring in Texas which is just glorious

That means warm temperatures and Bluebonnets

My hair is finally coming in. I had to laugh when I realized the cowlicks I have, that my mom used to worry about when I was a little girl?  Are still there!  Anyone ever dealt with a double crown cowlick?  I'm sure it means something in some culture somewhere.

Here you go:

But at least it's not all grey!

A celebration dinner with my sister and friends to commemorate her birthday and my great 3 month check up

I have been struggling a bit with survivorship (that's what it's called by the way)

Because the anxiety of follow up exams and testing always reminds me cancer lurks in my background.  So I made a deal with myself.  I have NO control over a recurrence. NONE.  I do have control about what I worry about.  So I will not give cancer even more of my life by worrying about it.  I'll keep my appointments, good attitude and try to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  I will enjoy my family and friends..and I will admire the bluebonnets.  

But I will not let cancer anxiety control my life.

And you know what?  I slept like a baby the night before my check-up.

True story.

And since I am (proudly) a native Kansan, this seems appropriate: