I can see clearly now the rain is gone

I am now 3 months post chemo and just had my first 3 month cancer follow up.  Thankfully my exam and lab work all came back within normal limits.  So a huge Yeah on that!

My neuropathy seems to be diminishing.  The physical therapy, massage therapy and time seem to be doing the trick.  I am back to work full time and it is Spring in Texas which is just glorious

That means warm temperatures and Bluebonnets

My hair is finally coming in. I had to laugh when I realized the cowlicks I have, that my mom used to worry about when I was a little girl?  Are still there!  Anyone ever dealt with a double crown cowlick?  I'm sure it means something in some culture somewhere.

Here you go:

But at least it's not all grey!

A celebration dinner with my sister and friends to commemorate her birthday and my great 3 month check up

I have been struggling a bit with survivorship (that's what it's called by the way)

Because the anxiety of follow up exams and testing always reminds me cancer lurks in my background.  So I made a deal with myself.  I have NO control over a recurrence. NONE.  I do have control about what I worry about.  So I will not give cancer even more of my life by worrying about it.  I'll keep my appointments, good attitude and try to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  I will enjoy my family and friends..and I will admire the bluebonnets.  

But I will not let cancer anxiety control my life.

And you know what?  I slept like a baby the night before my check-up.

True story.

And since I am (proudly) a native Kansan, this seems appropriate:

How does my garden grow?

Or rather my hair grow?

It's starting to come back...more like duck down or peach fuzz

But I have some baby hair coming in ...and lashes...and eyebrows!

I'm still looking a little alien-ish but you can see my progress :)

I've also been actively working on getting my strength back, which means exercise and physical therapy in addition to some medication (lyrica) to decrease the neuropathy I have from chemo.

My therapists and docs say nerves come back very slowly so I have a year or two to feel better.  After that, whatever neuropathy I have left is mine to keep.

I am hoping to keep NONE of it. Because I am just that stubborn

I sometimes think dealing with the aftermath of cancer is just as hard as the diagnosis.
It seems even though I'm done with chemo, every week brings some sort of new doctor appointment or test.  While I know I need to follow up with all these various appointments... cancer is a full time job, even after treatment.

Next week is my 6 month mammogram and breast surgeon appointment.
I wish I could study, because that is one test I do not want to flunk

So here's hoping the next week is uneventful as far as medical testing
so I can get back to growing my hair and PT.

Breaking Bald

When I first discovered I was going to be receiving chemo, one of the first questions I asked was "Will I lose my hair?"  The answer was yes and 3 weeks after my first infusion of Taxol, I started shedding massive amounts of hair.

Now I have been bald for 3 months.  I have a collection of hats, scarves and a wig.  Until recently I wore them all whenever I went out of the house.

Scrub hat for work

Partial collection...and yes a large miralax bottle makes a fine wig form :)

But truthfully I hate wearing them.  They are hot, sometimes itchy and they make me fidget.  I've always been that way, you can ask my mother...if it was itchy I'm not wearing it.  (yes, mom, I know you are nodding in agreement right now)

So lately I had been pondering the question of why am I covering up the bald...or as my son calls it #ChromeDome?  Obviously men wear the bald all the time and no one thinks twice.

Who loves ya baby?

  I thought about when I saw women bald...did I notice them? Truthfully yes, yes I did.  Was it offensive? no, if anything I thought they were brave and most looked good bald.

So why am I still covering the bald?

Some of it is a lack of femininity.  But most has to do with being bald in public is a bit like announcing to the world "I have Cancer".  It makes me feel vulnerable.

Then I realized that a baseball cap, scarf or wig, on my bald head is really NOT camouflaging the bald ...at all. Pssst people can tell....

So after polling some friends and getting up the nerve I have been in public all week

stark...raving....BALD!

And I'm excited to report...no one cared.

And it felt so good! 

LONG LIVE THE BALD!

Well at least until I have some hair..

(and I love the fact my glasses cover my lack of eyebrows!)

And a little BRCA humor...

Perspective

Now that I'm a week past chemo I'm starting to feel "normal" again.   On my way home this evening I started to reflect on how my perspective on aging has changed.  Last year when I turned 50 I started seeing myself really ...age.  Ok, so I looked good for 50...but damn I was 50!  With that came skin changes everywhere, hair where there wasn't hair before as well as assorted aches and pains.  I admit it freaked me out.  I mean in my head I was still...like maybe ...29?  ish...

But cancer has given me a WHOLE new perspective on aging.  Because now I am just so happy to have reached 51 and more importantly will reach many more birthdays to come.   I have happily earned every single laugh line, laughing with my kids and husband.

Grey hairs bring it on! I've lived long enough to enjoy them.  Wrinkled neck and sunspots from being outside enjoying the sun and my family.  I'm in.

Because life is for living.  

Or as Auntie Mame says:

Dark Skies

Just feeling a little dark today.

It's pouring rain in Texas and I'm halfway through chemo.

I'm usually a glass half full kind of girl.

But today I think I'm going to indulge the dark side for a bit.

Cancer really sucks.

I feel like crap and I'm bald.  

While I am so grateful to have my family with me.

I am really missing all of my great friends in CT.

You know the ones who can make you smile, no matter what.

The kind who have a completely inappropriate sense of humor that is so wrong

and yet...so right.

So pity party...of one, right this way.

Looking forward to my extended family coming for the weekend.

And Christmas AKA my last chemo treatment

Brave?

Starting to feel a bit more normal post treatment so went out for a taco with my husband tonight. Gorgeous night out...82 degrees Texas fall evening.  

While getting gas I snapped this selfie, which isn't quite the "full monty" but is me rocking my bald with my favorite blingy baseball cap.

I've always been a grab and go kinda gal.  I have a nice wig, hats and scarfs but this baseball cap really seems to do it for me.  It's light, kinda lacy with a bit of sparkle.

SO here goes...I still have a little eyebrow and lashes left, but not much

I wear a surgical cap to work which blends in well in the hospital environment.

Not doing my hair takes a good 20-30 minutes off my getting ready in the morning.

I could get used to that...

JUST KIDDING!

As a good friend recently told me, "God only has so many perfect heads, the rest she has to put hair on"

My mantra...

First Down on the 50 Yard Line

Hammer Time #3

I have completed half of my treatment...3 treatments down...3 to go!

SO I'm going to have a virtual halftime show before the pregame steroids wear off..

There are all my fabulous cheerleaders...family, friends, coworkers and blog readers

There will be football food (maybe not *today*)

And some floral floats ...

Aren't they gorgeous? I came home from Chemo to these flowers from one of my besties and my mom.  I am a lucky (and loved) girl :)

Ready to go for the touchdown because the other team frankly...sucks.

You Betcha!

Go Team!

Pacing Myself

One of the things I'm quickly learning on this cancer journey is that you can do "some of the things" but maybe not "all of things" you want to do.

Which is certainly educational but frankly...stinks sometimes.

Throughout my adult life I've always had several projects going at once.  It might be a work project or a volunteer project but I love being busy (and planning)

I'm finding out very quickly that cancer and chemo is helping me to prioritize and accept what I can do...and what I can't

For instance I have no patience for pettiness anymore.  

This is my new mantra

I'm finding this, while hard at first is ...making my life so much more peaceful.

I can go 'all in' for the things that really matter such as my family

and leave the rest...that matters notsomuch.

Losing my hair was hard, but not having to do my hair ...cut it or color it.

Actually is kinda nice and gives me a little more time to sleep in the am.

I think I took for granted having a high energy level and being busy.

These days I prioritize what needs to get done and appreciate that it may not always happen.

and you know what?

That's ok.

There's no guilt or beating myself up.

I haven't made a "to do" list in...weeks.

Because I know I can only do what I can.

At some point my feet start getting sharp pains from the chemo neuropathy and then

I get a little light headed which is my body's way of saying

"you've had enough"

So I listen.

Maybe cancer is teaching me to stop and smell the roses a little more.

Probably a very good thing.

Look Good...Feel Better...

Today I went to a special class sponsored by my Cancer Center and the American Cancer Society.

Appropriately called "Look Good, Feel Better"

And in the immortal words of Billy Crystal's Fernando...

"When You look good, you feel good.  Dahling you look Mahvelous!"

So I sat my little bald head down and learned how to use makeup to mimic the eyebrows and eyelashes I'm losing.

I learned about wigs and scarves and all sorts of great tricks to help make me feel better

and you know what?

I did...I felt better!

It was nice to sit with other women currently in Chemo.  Talking and laughing.  Well really...lots of laughing.  Because we are ALL RIGHT THERE.  

And we also got some great makeup kits to practice during class and take home.

Now I'm a huge sucker for any of those free gift with purchase deals in the makeup department.  So free make up?  BONUS!

Some pictures from today:

My spot at the table

Some hats and scarves 

My Make-up Kit

Yesterday was a hard day.  My first day back to work post Chemo is rough.  I almost passed out just walking into the building.  I ended up leaving early because I just felt so tired and lightheaded.

By the end of the day you sometimes really start to doubt yourself, it just all feels so dark.

But with some laughter and a little make-up today...I'm beginning to see the light again.

And for that I am grateful.

Post Chemo Blues.. Part 2

This round of chemo seems to be going a little better.  Changing up some of the meds to deal with the aches and numbness...is helping.

My sister came up last night with some awesome dinner from Fadi's (great mediterranean/turkish food) and I was actually able to eat a bit of chicken and hummus...and more importantly it tasted GOOD!

And then we had my chemo buddies.  My furbaby Lily, a collie and my furnephew Bennie a little shih tzu.  I love these dogs so much.  They always make me smile and are so loyal

Lily in full fur:

And Lily post shave when Texas proved a little too hot for all that fur

Poor baby!

But I swear everyday she looks at me and goes, "Don't worry about your hair mom, it's all gonna grow back...ask me how I know?"

And then there's Bennie who is the perfect napping companion

So even though I may not feel well, my family and furbabies keep me cozy and loved.  

Which I know makes my treatments feel so much better.

Meet my new little friend and Hammer Time....Chemo #2

Yesterday I made a new little friend.  I like to think of him as my very own Minion.

Going thru chemo is very hard on veins.  So my medical team recommended placing a medport for Chemo as well as the frequent blood draws I get to monitor my treatment.

My last IV site looks like this:

And this was a good IV stick—1st try!

So I agreed to a power port.  I had a 20 minute procedure to insert it and now will not be needing any more vein sticks till I am finished with treatment!  

This is what the powerport looks like inside:

They use a special locking needle and sterile technique when accessing it for blood work or Chemo.

This is a picture of my minion -non-accessed 1 day after insertion and honestly it doesn't really hurt

Eventually the little steristrip dressing will fall off on it's own in the next week or two.

And this is what it looks like when it's accessed for chemo

So I welcome with affection my little Minion who will do my bidding to kick cancer to the curb.

And today was HAMMER TIME #2

I now have 1/3 of my treatments done...WOOT!

Since I have had some neuropathy (numbness) in my feet and fingertips, which is a side effect of my particular chem (Taxol).  My Oncologist suggested some B6 supplements, and put me on Lyrica.

I also got these really cool ice booties while I was getting taxol today

(get it...really...cool?)

The thought is the coolness decreases circulation to the area which decreases chemo to my feet and will hopefully slow the progression of the neuropathy

and of course Roberta was back to hang out for a while

 A nice picture of my better half, my husband Dave:

And of course a shot of me in my cozy hat courtesy of Maggie:

Home now, feeling a little funky.  I know the next few days are going to be a little rough. But this

time I think I have a better idea on how to deal with the pain and fuzziness 

Lastly, a quote from a favorite singer..Pink: