How does my garden grow?

Or rather my hair grow?

It's starting to come back...more like duck down or peach fuzz

But I have some baby hair coming in ...and lashes...and eyebrows!

I'm still looking a little alien-ish but you can see my progress :)

I've also been actively working on getting my strength back, which means exercise and physical therapy in addition to some medication (lyrica) to decrease the neuropathy I have from chemo.

My therapists and docs say nerves come back very slowly so I have a year or two to feel better.  After that, whatever neuropathy I have left is mine to keep.

I am hoping to keep NONE of it. Because I am just that stubborn

I sometimes think dealing with the aftermath of cancer is just as hard as the diagnosis.
It seems even though I'm done with chemo, every week brings some sort of new doctor appointment or test.  While I know I need to follow up with all these various appointments... cancer is a full time job, even after treatment.

Next week is my 6 month mammogram and breast surgeon appointment.
I wish I could study, because that is one test I do not want to flunk

So here's hoping the next week is uneventful as far as medical testing
so I can get back to growing my hair and PT.

Finding my way back

Still trying to answer the question about what comes next after cancer.  

One side effect of my chemotherapy has been neuropathy in my hands and feet

Basically my feet feel like they are asleep 24/7

Except for when I'm on them for an extended period of time and then

it's painful

So I've been on a quest to see what I can do to get rid my neuropathy and find my new normal

Last week I started physical therapy to help improve my balance and support the muscles in my feet and ankles.

As part of my homework I have some exercises and are supposed to walk daily.

This weekend I went walking with my sister, cousin and daughter at the Canton Trade Days

Which is the mother of all flea market/swap meet/craft fairs all rolled into one!

I figured I might as well shop...and walk.

Shopping with my girls and exercising ...what a perfect combination!

Some other things I have learned about neuropathy after chemo:

It may take up to a year for your neuropathy to improve,

whatever neuropathy is left after a year is yours to keep.

So I'm on a quest to kick neuropathy to the curb

AND

get in better physical shape because I still have one preventative surgery to go.

The preventative double mastectomy and reconstruction surgery.

One surgery (with a cancer detour) down and one to go...

Biological Tick Tock

Back in my 30's everyone was concerned with their biological clock.  Which meant having babies.  If you were 35 unmarried and had not had children surely everyone in a 10 mile radius could actually "hear" your clock ticking.

Interestingly I feel a bit similar right now.

Of course my kids are older, and the clock I can hear ticking has nothing to do with babies.

My clock is ticking with the hope I will NOT get another cancer before I can prevent it.

Confused?

When I discovered my mutation the thought was to remove my ovaries and tubes first THEN do breast surgery to remove the risk of breast cancer.

Currently I'm on plan B

Found cancer early...treated it.

Hope to hell I can recover from chemo...and beat the clock before I am diagnosed with breast cancer.

I *could* be zen and say "Que sera, sera...whatever will be, will be"

But I think I'd need some better drugs or a nice grey goose cosmo (or 3)

to get me there.

When it comes to my BRCA mutation I'm a believer.

Cancer?  Is not an if...it's a when.

Tick...tick...tick...

Hammer time #6...

Last One!

I said a happy farewell to Roberta yesterday!  She served her purpose but was getting a little too clingy and yesterday was even hogging my TV.

SO buh-bye Roberta!

I had a late Chemo appointment, I wound up finishing up at 6:00pm and was the last patient in the cancer infusion center.  When you do your last round of chemo you get to ring the bell signaling the end of treatment.  Since I was the only patient in the center I thought it might be quiet...but luckily I had 2 of my favorite and loudest chemo nurses standing by to make sure I was properly cheered as I rang the bell.

Gotta love my chemo nurses <3

Ringing the bell and loving my bald head...or trying to.

I hear hair regrowth starts in the next 3 weeks...and that's a whole new ballgame!

I hear it'll be curly and grey...so pretty!

or NOT.

I guess we'll see!

My kids, mom and sister plus our 2 dogs are here for Christmas.  So happy to have them all under one roof in our new home for the holidays.

I wish you all a much happiness and health in the new year!

I have decided to continue my blog to talk about life after chemo, follow-up appointments and my BRCA journey.

So stay tuned...

Here Comes The Sun

This has always been one of my favorite Beatle's songs

Coming out my Chemo haze and the sun seems to be joining me.

Lots to look forward to:

The holidays with family

New work digs

My mother and daughter here for the holidays

and only 1 more Chemo Treatment to go!

Today, going to soak in some sun, and maybe have a lunch date with my husband,

All good!

Hammer time -Chemo #5 and some random thoughts about having cancer.

Chemotherapy today, treatment #5 

Pleased to say it well, and I'm home feeling ok, just a little tired.

In my cancer center there's a main waiting room.  Where patients wait for lab work, chemo and to see physicians.

Before I had cancer I went to this waiting room to wait for my blood work and see my doctor.  This waiting room is a bit of an eye opener.  Since you see all different types of people.  Some are obviously sick, others bald but look ok, and the rest look healthy.  I distinctly remember being there before my diagnosis and thinking "This is a club I hope to never join"

yeah, I did

Well guess who's now a card carrying member?

ME!

Over the past 4 months I've learned how to pace myself, manage my time and be more positive.  Chemo sucks.  But when I sit in the waiting room now waiting for chemo, I think I am more relaxed then I was before I was diagnosed.  

I've lived one of my "worst case scenarios" and lived to tell the tale.

One thing I have noticed is that I am always reluctant to tell people what kind of cancer I have.

Frankly, it's none of their business, but more importantly people seem to look at you like ..you're already dead.

Ovarian cancer has quite the reputation.

Rightly so.

I confess I used to think that way too.

But now I know better.

My cancer was discovered early, so I have a good prognosis. 

AND even those 

who are diagnosed with advanced disease are living longer and may consider it a chronic disease, where you go in and out of remission and need further chemo.

Who knew?  

Well now I do, and you do too.

One of the other pet peeves I have about cancer is baldness.

Oh it's hard, but what's really hard is it screams

"I HAVE CANCER!"

To everyone...everywhere.

I'm a pretty open person with my friends and family.  Even co-workers as we work closely together. 

But a month or so ago I was at a work related class and was accosted by a woman who was a breast cancer survivor.  I know her heart was in the right place.  But pinning me to wall and asking loudly if "I was her SISTER" 

was uncomfortable for me and everyone else in the room.

Some bald people hate this kind of attention even more.

So tread carefully

The people I do enjoy are those who quietly come up to me in the grocery store or hobby lobby and say in a quiet voice to "Hang in there, it's going to be ok, your hair will grow back, I'm X years out and doing fine"

And then leave.

I kind of think of them as angels

reminding me, I'm going to be ok.

Perspective

Now that I'm a week past chemo I'm starting to feel "normal" again.   On my way home this evening I started to reflect on how my perspective on aging has changed.  Last year when I turned 50 I started seeing myself really ...age.  Ok, so I looked good for 50...but damn I was 50!  With that came skin changes everywhere, hair where there wasn't hair before as well as assorted aches and pains.  I admit it freaked me out.  I mean in my head I was still...like maybe ...29?  ish...

But cancer has given me a WHOLE new perspective on aging.  Because now I am just so happy to have reached 51 and more importantly will reach many more birthdays to come.   I have happily earned every single laugh line, laughing with my kids and husband.

Grey hairs bring it on! I've lived long enough to enjoy them.  Wrinkled neck and sunspots from being outside enjoying the sun and my family.  I'm in.

Because life is for living.  

Or as Auntie Mame says:

*Ding* *DIng* ROUND Four...Hammer time

Round 4 of chemo today.

My blood counts are good and I was feeling good after a terrific weekend of family, football and some awesome BBQ.

Spent some quality time with Roberta and then beat it home 

I am 2/3 of the way there....6 more weeks and I.AM.DONE!

Between our move an my cancer diagnosis it's been an enlightening few years.

One thing I've discovered is that things really do seem to work out.  Ok, it may not be in the way we'd planned, but when I look back I am usually glad things happened the way it did.  AND on the few times it didn't ...we made it through it and were OK.  

Also 7 good deep calming breaths will change the chemistry in your brain and calm you down.  Try it.  It works well especially at night when your mind won't shut the hell up.

Trust me :)

So the next few days are probably going to be notsonice.  We're also supposed to get some "arctic" weather (Texas Arctic is under 45 ;) ).  So I'll be napping, taking my drugs and hanging on the couch with my blankey

Dark Skies

Just feeling a little dark today.

It's pouring rain in Texas and I'm halfway through chemo.

I'm usually a glass half full kind of girl.

But today I think I'm going to indulge the dark side for a bit.

Cancer really sucks.

I feel like crap and I'm bald.  

While I am so grateful to have my family with me.

I am really missing all of my great friends in CT.

You know the ones who can make you smile, no matter what.

The kind who have a completely inappropriate sense of humor that is so wrong

and yet...so right.

So pity party...of one, right this way.

Looking forward to my extended family coming for the weekend.

And Christmas AKA my last chemo treatment

Great Fullness

Back in the 80's and 90's when I loved everything "OPRAH" I stumbled upon one of her ideas that has stayed.  

A Gratitude Journal

While I don't keep a journal anymore I have discovered through the years that if I could be grateful for 5 things before I fell asleep, I tended to sleep and feel a whole lot better.

Now some days I was just grateful I survived the day.

When my kids were little I was grateful for any amount of patience..................... (because I have NONE)

As I've gotten older stuff like "no plantar fasciitis attacks" or heartburn have made an appearance

Last night as I was thinking about my 5 things, I realized that being grateful gives me a great fullness.  

As in I feel whole, and happy.  Maybe I'm *exactly* where I'm supposed to be?

Bald head and all...

Last night my 5 things were:

1.  My family

2. My friends

3.  My health

4. My home

5. The ability to make a difference

I'll confess I had to really think about the health one.  But having cancer doesn't make me "unhealthy".  My body is tolerating chemo ok.  Is it a good time? No.

But so far I'm getting through it and that I am grateful for.

VERY. Grateful.

Try it...you may feel great full...

Brave?

Starting to feel a bit more normal post treatment so went out for a taco with my husband tonight. Gorgeous night out...82 degrees Texas fall evening.  

While getting gas I snapped this selfie, which isn't quite the "full monty" but is me rocking my bald with my favorite blingy baseball cap.

I've always been a grab and go kinda gal.  I have a nice wig, hats and scarfs but this baseball cap really seems to do it for me.  It's light, kinda lacy with a bit of sparkle.

SO here goes...I still have a little eyebrow and lashes left, but not much

I wear a surgical cap to work which blends in well in the hospital environment.

Not doing my hair takes a good 20-30 minutes off my getting ready in the morning.

I could get used to that...

JUST KIDDING!

As a good friend recently told me, "God only has so many perfect heads, the rest she has to put hair on"

My mantra...

Post Chemo Blahs..

The weekend after I get get Chemo is usually the hardest.  As long as I take my drugs- steroids, anti-nausea meds and pain meds, it usually doesn't get awful,  But I have to stay on top of it.  One of the other things I've learned is to walk a little and rest A LOT.  Drink, drink and drink some more (sadly water...not wine) and to eat bland foods that are calming.

Some of the items I've found that help are these:

Chocolate Carnation Instant Breakfast 

chocolate milk + some extra protein

Turkey slices with provolone cheese made excellent sandwiches or roll-ups

Kozy Shack Rice Pudding- comfort food that is creamy and sweet..but not too sweet

My favorite tea post chemo I drink it hot and iced.  Tazo Zen tea.  It's a green tea with a hint of mint and lemongrass

Love these little guys for snacking ..they make me smile!

I also enjoy soup...especially chicken soup...

So that's my post chemo menu.  Kinda boring and bland.  But it makes my tummy happy and that's all that matters.

And a nice saying I found:

First Down on the 50 Yard Line

Hammer Time #3

I have completed half of my treatment...3 treatments down...3 to go!

SO I'm going to have a virtual halftime show before the pregame steroids wear off..

There are all my fabulous cheerleaders...family, friends, coworkers and blog readers

There will be football food (maybe not *today*)

And some floral floats ...

Aren't they gorgeous? I came home from Chemo to these flowers from one of my besties and my mom.  I am a lucky (and loved) girl :)

Ready to go for the touchdown because the other team frankly...sucks.

You Betcha!

Go Team!