Ease on down the road

 

I celebrated another birthday over the weekend. One thing about surviving cancer?  I don't care about getting older anymore.  It's a option I almost didn't have. So more birthdays...is always a GREAT thing!

I'm finally feeling normal again. Also good.  

Sure, I still have some neuropathy in my feet, but I have a feeling that may just be the new normal for me.  But more importantly my stamina is coming back. For the past year getting to work and back was just about all I could handle. Now I am focused on some work projects, home projects, traveling and perhaps a new hobby...writing.

And it all feels good.  

Really good.

I've also decided to get moving on my next set of surgeries.  I had an appointment last week with my new plastic surgeon. I have started the process of having  preventative mastectomy surgery in November with reconstruction to follow next spring.

The whole thought of "preventative" surgery makes me cringe a little.  Since that was how my ovarian cancer was discovered.  Yes it was preventative...it prevented me from dying. .  

Hoping this time will be different.  But if they find cancer, they find it early.

I may be the poster child for that :)

I have to admit the thought of losing my breasts is hard.  I am struggling with it.

But today when I was shopping I realized I have had to work my wardrobe around my breasts since I was 15.  Being large breasted is truly a pain...in the chest.

So here's to preventative surgery...whatever it may prevent.  Cancer or death.  Perhaps both?

And here's to wearing cute bras without massive support, camisoles with thin straps and backless shirts.  

Silver lining?  CHECK!

Maybe even a rainbow...

Loss

Over the past the past 5 months I've thought a lot about death.  About what it means to die, and what kind of death cancer brings.  I've taken a cold hard looks at all the things I've accomplished and made a list of all the things I still want to do.  Cancer tends to be a clarifying moment for most people I guess.

I used to think I had plenty of time...
Time to learn and grow.  Time to spend with my family and friends.  But most of all time to live. The opportunity of life seemed endless.  A cancer diagnosis started to make me think more about the boundaries of my life.  That opportunity was still there, but it may not be limitless.  That instead of constantly planning for the future, maybe it would be good to live in the present, TODAY.

Yesterday I discovered a dear friend from high school died, quite suddenly.  Penny was beautiful, smart and funny.  But what I remember most was that she was kind.  Always.  A few years ago we reconnected on facebook and over the past few months she never failed to post an encouraging word to me as I was going through chemo.  I think I heard from her almost everyday.  This past Sunday I had noticed people posting encouraging messages to her, and so I asked her if she was ok.  She had had a heart attack, but was resting at home and feeling better.

The next day she was...gone.

I never realized how much she had touched my life till then.  As the vivacious high school friend to the strong, kind woman she grew up to be.  I will always think of her and know the world was a better place because of her.

Breaking Bald

When I first discovered I was going to be receiving chemo, one of the first questions I asked was "Will I lose my hair?"  The answer was yes and 3 weeks after my first infusion of Taxol, I started shedding massive amounts of hair.

Now I have been bald for 3 months.  I have a collection of hats, scarves and a wig.  Until recently I wore them all whenever I went out of the house.

Scrub hat for work

Partial collection...and yes a large miralax bottle makes a fine wig form :)

But truthfully I hate wearing them.  They are hot, sometimes itchy and they make me fidget.  I've always been that way, you can ask my mother...if it was itchy I'm not wearing it.  (yes, mom, I know you are nodding in agreement right now)

So lately I had been pondering the question of why am I covering up the bald...or as my son calls it #ChromeDome?  Obviously men wear the bald all the time and no one thinks twice.

Who loves ya baby?

  I thought about when I saw women bald...did I notice them? Truthfully yes, yes I did.  Was it offensive? no, if anything I thought they were brave and most looked good bald.

So why am I still covering the bald?

Some of it is a lack of femininity.  But most has to do with being bald in public is a bit like announcing to the world "I have Cancer".  It makes me feel vulnerable.

Then I realized that a baseball cap, scarf or wig, on my bald head is really NOT camouflaging the bald ...at all. Pssst people can tell....

So after polling some friends and getting up the nerve I have been in public all week

stark...raving....BALD!

And I'm excited to report...no one cared.

And it felt so good! 

LONG LIVE THE BALD!

Well at least until I have some hair..

(and I love the fact my glasses cover my lack of eyebrows!)

And a little BRCA humor...

FOCUS

I'm starting to look at what comes next after cancer treatment.  Which is such a happy thing and yet scary as well.  When I was diagnosed back in August, all the plans I had for the next year went out the window.  We had just moved to a new home and I had been accepted to a new graduate school program.  All of that needed to be put on hold.  If I'm being honest my thought pattern felt a little like this:

Focused on chemo and cancer...yes, but in a sickening and dizzy way.

It was a time to batten down the hatches and get ready to fight.  Which I did.  My family has as well. 

SCARY as hell.  And yet, coming out the other side it has changed me in a way that I know is going to make me a better person.  

I feel a little like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life"

Cancer may have been my "Clarence"

A wake up call before it's too late to appreciate all the good things in life without all the insignificant crap that really doesn't mean anything in the long run.

Looking forward to a new focus and hoping when life becomes crazy again

 (as I know it will) 

I remember to focus on what's really important 

The people who really matter and let go of the rest.

Hammer time -Chemo #5 and some random thoughts about having cancer.

Chemotherapy today, treatment #5 

Pleased to say it well, and I'm home feeling ok, just a little tired.

In my cancer center there's a main waiting room.  Where patients wait for lab work, chemo and to see physicians.

Before I had cancer I went to this waiting room to wait for my blood work and see my doctor.  This waiting room is a bit of an eye opener.  Since you see all different types of people.  Some are obviously sick, others bald but look ok, and the rest look healthy.  I distinctly remember being there before my diagnosis and thinking "This is a club I hope to never join"

yeah, I did

Well guess who's now a card carrying member?

ME!

Over the past 4 months I've learned how to pace myself, manage my time and be more positive.  Chemo sucks.  But when I sit in the waiting room now waiting for chemo, I think I am more relaxed then I was before I was diagnosed.  

I've lived one of my "worst case scenarios" and lived to tell the tale.

One thing I have noticed is that I am always reluctant to tell people what kind of cancer I have.

Frankly, it's none of their business, but more importantly people seem to look at you like ..you're already dead.

Ovarian cancer has quite the reputation.

Rightly so.

I confess I used to think that way too.

But now I know better.

My cancer was discovered early, so I have a good prognosis. 

AND even those 

who are diagnosed with advanced disease are living longer and may consider it a chronic disease, where you go in and out of remission and need further chemo.

Who knew?  

Well now I do, and you do too.

One of the other pet peeves I have about cancer is baldness.

Oh it's hard, but what's really hard is it screams

"I HAVE CANCER!"

To everyone...everywhere.

I'm a pretty open person with my friends and family.  Even co-workers as we work closely together. 

But a month or so ago I was at a work related class and was accosted by a woman who was a breast cancer survivor.  I know her heart was in the right place.  But pinning me to wall and asking loudly if "I was her SISTER" 

was uncomfortable for me and everyone else in the room.

Some bald people hate this kind of attention even more.

So tread carefully

The people I do enjoy are those who quietly come up to me in the grocery store or hobby lobby and say in a quiet voice to "Hang in there, it's going to be ok, your hair will grow back, I'm X years out and doing fine"

And then leave.

I kind of think of them as angels

reminding me, I'm going to be ok.

Thanksgiving...it's more than just dinner

We had a really nice Thanksgiving.  I think we all ate too much, but having all my kids and my sister under the same roof was amazing.  We made and ate lots of delicious food, drank some good wine and laughed quite a bit.

The smell of Turkey cooking will always be a favorite smell for me.

A few days before thanksgiving I had the usual pre chemo appointment with my Oncologist.  She is a terrific doctor, but a bit of a straight shooter.  She can be a little blunt.  I remember prior to my surgery I had said to her I felt lucky " being BRCA 1+ to have gotten to 50 and not had cancer" and she replied "Well, we really can't say that...yet"

Gotta admit I was a little ticked by that response

However 1 month later at my post op appointment I discovered she was right.  I did in fact, have cancer.

I guess as a GYN Oncologist, she'd...uh...done this before ;)

So at my appointment a few days ago, we were discussing the "home stretch" 2 more treatments, another month and I would be finished with my treatment.  We talked about follow up.  I'd be seen every 3 months for the next 2 years, then every 6 months till 5 years and then yearly after that.

But most importantly she told me she felt I would be CURED when I finished treatment.

CURED.

WOW!

And coming from my doctor, who is very detail and research oriented...I was surprised and happy.

I'll be honest in saying I don't completely trust it, as I don't trust cancer.

Am I going to hold my breath before those future check ups and blood work, praying nothing is amiss?

You betcha.

But maybe cancer has taught me one very important lesson:

you never know what's going to happen tomorrow so

Appreciate TODAY.

Because it truly is a PRESENT

Some other things I'm working on

I think 1 and 2 may be the hardest, at least for me ;)

Perspective

Now that I'm a week past chemo I'm starting to feel "normal" again.   On my way home this evening I started to reflect on how my perspective on aging has changed.  Last year when I turned 50 I started seeing myself really ...age.  Ok, so I looked good for 50...but damn I was 50!  With that came skin changes everywhere, hair where there wasn't hair before as well as assorted aches and pains.  I admit it freaked me out.  I mean in my head I was still...like maybe ...29?  ish...

But cancer has given me a WHOLE new perspective on aging.  Because now I am just so happy to have reached 51 and more importantly will reach many more birthdays to come.   I have happily earned every single laugh line, laughing with my kids and husband.

Grey hairs bring it on! I've lived long enough to enjoy them.  Wrinkled neck and sunspots from being outside enjoying the sun and my family.  I'm in.

Because life is for living.  

Or as Auntie Mame says: