Happy Cancerversary

To me...

A year ago tomorrow I discovered they found high grade aggressive cancer in my fallopian tubes after my "preventative" surgery.  It was the most surreal moment in my life.  To hear the disease I feared the most, had been found was ...terrifying.  I distinctly remember my "nurse" brain trying to hear and process the specifics as my doctor reviewed the surgical pathology report.  While the rest of my brain was screaming "OMG YOU HAVE OVARIAN CANCER! "

I've spent today reflecting on the last year.  My diagnosis, treatment and how much my life has changed since that day.  On the outside I look pretty much the same now.  Oh, my hair is a little shorter and greying.  But inside I am a completely different person. I have added a label to who I am.

I am:
A mother
A daughter
A wife
A sister
A nurse

and

A cancer survivor.

Nothing will ever change any of those things.  They each are a huge part of who I am.

Although I wish I had never seen this side of cancer.  It has brought forth a side of me and my family I am amazed by.  Cancer has stripped us down to the very core.  To appreciate life, family and friends.  To kick negativity to curb.  To realize that perhaps this is where I am meant to be.  


Some people have asked if I am going to continue to blog now that I have gotten through chemo and life has (mostly) returned to normal.

The short answer is yes.

There is so much more to write.

For example there is so much education to be done about genetic cancer from the viewpoint of those affected.  We are the first generation with genetic validation of our fears.  While preventative surgery and surveillance can be lifesaving.  They also open up a whole new set of issues and anxiety.

A few days ago on my commute home from work I was thinking about how I wished I had had my ovaries and tubes removed when I had my hysterectomy 10 years ago.  But we simply didn't have the knowledge then, we have now.  Honestly there are many places that still lack good medical care and genetic counseling for individuals with cancer family histories.

As I drove a little further I realized I have the opportunity RIGHT NOW to beat cancer again by having a double mastectomy and reconstruction before they find breast cancer.  So I have a appointment to meet with a plastic surgeon to start the process.

So yes.  My blog will continue.  My journey goes on....scary and yet I am so very thrilled to be here and to have the option to continue.

 

Finding my way back

Still trying to answer the question about what comes next after cancer.  

One side effect of my chemotherapy has been neuropathy in my hands and feet

Basically my feet feel like they are asleep 24/7

Except for when I'm on them for an extended period of time and then

it's painful

So I've been on a quest to see what I can do to get rid my neuropathy and find my new normal

Last week I started physical therapy to help improve my balance and support the muscles in my feet and ankles.

As part of my homework I have some exercises and are supposed to walk daily.

This weekend I went walking with my sister, cousin and daughter at the Canton Trade Days

Which is the mother of all flea market/swap meet/craft fairs all rolled into one!

I figured I might as well shop...and walk.

Shopping with my girls and exercising ...what a perfect combination!

Some other things I have learned about neuropathy after chemo:

It may take up to a year for your neuropathy to improve,

whatever neuropathy is left after a year is yours to keep.

So I'm on a quest to kick neuropathy to the curb

AND

get in better physical shape because I still have one preventative surgery to go.

The preventative double mastectomy and reconstruction surgery.

One surgery (with a cancer detour) down and one to go...

My Favorite Escape

No it's not Hawaii, Italy or the Caribbean

Although I do love all those places.

My favorite escape is a good book.  

As my chemobrain is improving I'm able to read again.

This makes me so very happy!

One of the ways I've always coped with sadness or hard times is by diving head first into a good book

One of the hardest parts of Chemo was the inability to concentrate enough to read.

As the chemo leaves my system for the final time I'm having a great time catching up on all my reading.

Whether it's a great thriller, a new Stephen King book, a biography or even cook books, I have always had my nose in a book

As far back as third grade I used to walk home from school reading a book...and often ended up either off course or walking into a things because I was so engrossed in the story. Leaving me to explain why I had a bruise on my forehead from walking into a tree!

Many of the stories and characters still live in my mind.

I've also learned so much from books.  Fiction, Nonfiction, Historical or pure Chick-Lit.

It's all been good.  

So have you read a good book lately?  

I have :)

Biological Tick Tock

Back in my 30's everyone was concerned with their biological clock.  Which meant having babies.  If you were 35 unmarried and had not had children surely everyone in a 10 mile radius could actually "hear" your clock ticking.

Interestingly I feel a bit similar right now.

Of course my kids are older, and the clock I can hear ticking has nothing to do with babies.

My clock is ticking with the hope I will NOT get another cancer before I can prevent it.

Confused?

When I discovered my mutation the thought was to remove my ovaries and tubes first THEN do breast surgery to remove the risk of breast cancer.

Currently I'm on plan B

Found cancer early...treated it.

Hope to hell I can recover from chemo...and beat the clock before I am diagnosed with breast cancer.

I *could* be zen and say "Que sera, sera...whatever will be, will be"

But I think I'd need some better drugs or a nice grey goose cosmo (or 3)

to get me there.

When it comes to my BRCA mutation I'm a believer.

Cancer?  Is not an if...it's a when.

Tick...tick...tick...

Crossing the Finish Line

Coming up to my last round of Chemo

I have to say when I was diagnosed in August hearing I would be undergoing 6 rounds of Chemotherapy over the course of the next 18 weeks...

Seemed like FOREVER.

I'm pleased to say it's almost over.

I'm somewhat ambivalent about it.

I mean I am thrilled to have gotten through it.  So happy it's over.

But it opens yet another chapter in my life.

The chapter of Survivor

Which means follow up appointments every 3 months to check for a recurrence

It means checking off "Cancer" every time I have to fill out a health related form.

Gotta say that is all hard to think about right now.

One thing I have learned as a cancer patient is to strive for 2 words everyday.

BE HAPPY

Life is just too short not to be happy.

Some days it's easy to be happy, other days I have to work at it.

About 26 years ago I was on vacation in Mexico with a good friend

 (I'm looking at you Callahan) 

We ended up surviving a category 5 hurricane.

We learned a lot from the experience

That perhaps taking your passport when you're evacuated was a better choice than say

...your make-up and curling iron.

In the midst of all of the chaos the song 

"Don't Worry..Be Happy" was popular.  

Although we rolled our eyes every time it played, while we were stuck in post hurricane Cancun, it did somehow make us feel better.

I think I can make a connection between surviving a Cat. 5 hurricane and Cancer.

Both are scary and life threatening.

However worrying doesn't do anything but make you feel bad.

 I am a master worry-er

So fighting cancer I learned to quit worrying so much and start enjoying life more

Looking forward to breaking up with my BFF Roberta the Chemo IV pump on Monday.

She's gotten a little too clingy.

Looking forward to being a SURVIVOR.

We are Family...part 3 and some other interesting genetic tidbits

Getting back to my family's story....

We've discussed my grandmother and aunts.  But there is another part to our family's story.  Someone who I refer to as "The Mothership," my great grandmother Martha.

We know Martha was "The Mothership" as she had 2 husbands.

My great grandfather was Martha's 1st husband who died at age 33 (noncancer related). My grandmother was their oldest child.

Martha remarried and had more children with her 2nd husband.  A grandaughter from that family died of ovarian cancer at age 49.

Several cousins on the other side of her family have also tested BRCA 1+ for the exact same mutation that I have.

So Great Grandmother Martha was the mothership for this mutation.

Interestingly enough.. Martha lived to be 92 and never had cancer. 

I would love to know what she did right!

I have a pin of hers...but no pictures of her.

My dad had this pin in a box for years.  I still don't know how he came to have it, but I remember seeing it as a young girl and when I was an adult I asked him if I could have it and he gave it to me.  It's not particularly valuable, and I confess I didn't know until recently that Martha was my biological great grandmother.  There had been some disputes around the time my grandmother died that meant my dad didn't really talk about his grandmother very much.

Somehow I think it's fitting I ended up with her pin as well as her mutation.

Some other genetics tidbits

I was lucky enough to attend a Hereditary Cancer Patient Conference last weekend.  

So many new discoveries coming forward in the world of cancer genetics.

Several other cancer genes mutations have been identified. 

They're able to test for these more mutations in addition to  BRCA 1/ 2.

There are numerous websites dedicated to patient registries and how to talk with your family about genetics

such as: www.free-the-data.org

www.kintalk.org

One of my favorite organizations FORCE (facing our risk of cancer empowered)

also has an excellent website, message board and registry.

I am proud to be a member of the Dallas FORCE group.  I've met a terrific group of people from that group.

Looking forward to Thanksgiving with my family.  Our first in our new home in Texas. My oldest daughter is home from college and I love having everyone under one roof once again.  I'll be cooking my favorite meal for the people I love...gearing up for Chemo next week and hoping to be done by Christmas

*Ding* *DIng* ROUND Four...Hammer time

Round 4 of chemo today.

My blood counts are good and I was feeling good after a terrific weekend of family, football and some awesome BBQ.

Spent some quality time with Roberta and then beat it home 

I am 2/3 of the way there....6 more weeks and I.AM.DONE!

Between our move an my cancer diagnosis it's been an enlightening few years.

One thing I've discovered is that things really do seem to work out.  Ok, it may not be in the way we'd planned, but when I look back I am usually glad things happened the way it did.  AND on the few times it didn't ...we made it through it and were OK.  

Also 7 good deep calming breaths will change the chemistry in your brain and calm you down.  Try it.  It works well especially at night when your mind won't shut the hell up.

Trust me :)

So the next few days are probably going to be notsonice.  We're also supposed to get some "arctic" weather (Texas Arctic is under 45 ;) ).  So I'll be napping, taking my drugs and hanging on the couch with my blankey

Dark Skies

Just feeling a little dark today.

It's pouring rain in Texas and I'm halfway through chemo.

I'm usually a glass half full kind of girl.

But today I think I'm going to indulge the dark side for a bit.

Cancer really sucks.

I feel like crap and I'm bald.  

While I am so grateful to have my family with me.

I am really missing all of my great friends in CT.

You know the ones who can make you smile, no matter what.

The kind who have a completely inappropriate sense of humor that is so wrong

and yet...so right.

So pity party...of one, right this way.

Looking forward to my extended family coming for the weekend.

And Christmas AKA my last chemo treatment

Why Scary Movies Aren't As Scary

Happy Halloween!

As the scary season is upon us, I'm noticing something interesting.  Scary movies just don't seem as scary to me.

I love a good scary movie and always have.  My kids routinely love to scare me and watch me jump.  But this year those movies and scares don't seem to make me JUMP! Like they used to.

A huge favorite...Chris Sarandon as a Vampire next door?  yes..please :)

Kiefer before 24

Cheesy goodness

I'm starting to discover that horror movies don't scary me as much, because I am now living my own scary movie.

In which the Alien is hiding in my body...cancer

Ahhh....yeah.  That is some pretty scary stuff right there.

So yeah, I'm in the trenches fighting my alien cancer cells and hopefully winning

BUT WAIT!

Like any good horror movie there's....more

Since I am BRCA 1+ I also have a 70% risk of breast cancer...and of Triple negative breast cancer the hardest most aggressive form of breast cancer to treat.

That's like leaving a wounded slasher WITH a knife!

And that my friends is SCARY.

I'm starting to think about what comes after chemo and am realizing quickly I don't want to leave " a slasher with a knife"

Which means surgery to remove my breasts...as soon as I'm medically cleared to do so after chemo is over.

I am hoping to reduce the slasher -Triple Negative Breast Cancer

To this

Because I ain't scared of no ghosts...

But I am scared of cancer.

Brave?

Starting to feel a bit more normal post treatment so went out for a taco with my husband tonight. Gorgeous night out...82 degrees Texas fall evening.  

While getting gas I snapped this selfie, which isn't quite the "full monty" but is me rocking my bald with my favorite blingy baseball cap.

I've always been a grab and go kinda gal.  I have a nice wig, hats and scarfs but this baseball cap really seems to do it for me.  It's light, kinda lacy with a bit of sparkle.

SO here goes...I still have a little eyebrow and lashes left, but not much

I wear a surgical cap to work which blends in well in the hospital environment.

Not doing my hair takes a good 20-30 minutes off my getting ready in the morning.

I could get used to that...

JUST KIDDING!

As a good friend recently told me, "God only has so many perfect heads, the rest she has to put hair on"

My mantra...

Post Chemo Blahs..

The weekend after I get get Chemo is usually the hardest.  As long as I take my drugs- steroids, anti-nausea meds and pain meds, it usually doesn't get awful,  But I have to stay on top of it.  One of the other things I've learned is to walk a little and rest A LOT.  Drink, drink and drink some more (sadly water...not wine) and to eat bland foods that are calming.

Some of the items I've found that help are these:

Chocolate Carnation Instant Breakfast 

chocolate milk + some extra protein

Turkey slices with provolone cheese made excellent sandwiches or roll-ups

Kozy Shack Rice Pudding- comfort food that is creamy and sweet..but not too sweet

My favorite tea post chemo I drink it hot and iced.  Tazo Zen tea.  It's a green tea with a hint of mint and lemongrass

Love these little guys for snacking ..they make me smile!

I also enjoy soup...especially chicken soup...

So that's my post chemo menu.  Kinda boring and bland.  But it makes my tummy happy and that's all that matters.

And a nice saying I found: