Happy Cancerversary

To me...

A year ago tomorrow I discovered they found high grade aggressive cancer in my fallopian tubes after my "preventative" surgery.  It was the most surreal moment in my life.  To hear the disease I feared the most, had been found was ...terrifying.  I distinctly remember my "nurse" brain trying to hear and process the specifics as my doctor reviewed the surgical pathology report.  While the rest of my brain was screaming "OMG YOU HAVE OVARIAN CANCER! "

I've spent today reflecting on the last year.  My diagnosis, treatment and how much my life has changed since that day.  On the outside I look pretty much the same now.  Oh, my hair is a little shorter and greying.  But inside I am a completely different person. I have added a label to who I am.

I am:
A mother
A daughter
A wife
A sister
A nurse

and

A cancer survivor.

Nothing will ever change any of those things.  They each are a huge part of who I am.

Although I wish I had never seen this side of cancer.  It has brought forth a side of me and my family I am amazed by.  Cancer has stripped us down to the very core.  To appreciate life, family and friends.  To kick negativity to curb.  To realize that perhaps this is where I am meant to be.  


Some people have asked if I am going to continue to blog now that I have gotten through chemo and life has (mostly) returned to normal.

The short answer is yes.

There is so much more to write.

For example there is so much education to be done about genetic cancer from the viewpoint of those affected.  We are the first generation with genetic validation of our fears.  While preventative surgery and surveillance can be lifesaving.  They also open up a whole new set of issues and anxiety.

A few days ago on my commute home from work I was thinking about how I wished I had had my ovaries and tubes removed when I had my hysterectomy 10 years ago.  But we simply didn't have the knowledge then, we have now.  Honestly there are many places that still lack good medical care and genetic counseling for individuals with cancer family histories.

As I drove a little further I realized I have the opportunity RIGHT NOW to beat cancer again by having a double mastectomy and reconstruction before they find breast cancer.  So I have a appointment to meet with a plastic surgeon to start the process.

So yes.  My blog will continue.  My journey goes on....scary and yet I am so very thrilled to be here and to have the option to continue.

 

Russian Roulette...BRCA style

About every three months my brain hits a major speed bump.  That's because I have an appointment for some sort BRCA/cancer related testing.

It feels like a giant game of Russian Roulette

Where you hope to god you hear a "click" and not a "bang"

I try hard not to think about these appointments too much.  After all there is really nothing I can do about them except do the testing and pray.

On top of the "scanxiety" are the mundane factors of...making sure your insurance covers the testing and getting pre authorization for testing.

I've also discovered I am now claustrophobic.  Making MRIs a challenge.  I am hoping I'll get through it with some good drugs on board.  Last year my breast MRI made me so claustrophobic I was nauseous for a day after.  

So yes, I am doing everything I can to screen for early cancer. 

Tomorrow, I am hoping to celebrate a "click"

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Who's the fairest of them all?

Hmmm  probably not me.  But things have been moving along in my post chemo world

Firstly...I have hair!  It's coming in nice and thick.  I feel a bit like a calico cat because it is blonde, brown and grey...perhaps I can call it bronze?

My eyebrows and eyelashes are also growing back.  My eyelashes while plentiful are now short without a curl to them.  

I've tried several different mascaras including those with fibers to help lengthen them with no luck.  They simply look like..dead spiders

Not even kidding :(

So what's a girl to do?

Get lash extensions...that's what.

I'm not a girly girl so I'll admit I have never even thought about false eyelashes.  But after talking to a friend, I decided to look into it.

Perhaps use a groupon to a local eyelash salon with excellent ratings.  

I have to say once I relaxed the process was easy and I love the end result

Before:

After:

Much better!

Dancing with NED

I went for my 6 month post chemo follow up appointment today.  Thankfully everything seems to be normal so I am still "dancing with NED"

NED is cancer slang for "no evidence of disease"

The weeks leading up to my appointment were busy and stressful.

I started feeling more anxious about some vague symptoms I was having.

The more I worried, the more stressed I was and then the symptoms seemed to be worsening.

Easy to see how this can get out of control very fast.

I was also worrying alone. Because I didn't want anyone to worry about me.

One day a friend asked how I was...and well, it all just came tumbling out.

She encouraged me to call my doctor and do my blood work early.  

So I did.

My Ca125 levels are lower than they were 3 months ago.

Incredibly good news!

Turns out trying to eat more fruits and veggies was most likely the reason I was feeling more bloated.

So I'll just keep dancing...even my husband likes me dancing with NED

And remember...

"No One Puts Baby in the Corner"

Damn I miss Patrick Swayze!

O Captain, my captain

The past few weeks have been a flurry of activity for me.  A trip to Connecticut to watch my oldest daughter graduate from college, lots of visiting with good friends and some time away from home and work to reflect on the past few years.

In the midst of all that activity I was able to watch The Dead Poet's Society.  I had forgotten about that movie.  Seeing a young enthusiastic Robin Williams made me miss him once again.  But the movie's meaning was as poignant as ever, especially after going thru a cancer diagnosis.

Carpe Diem...Seize the day!

I have been working and trying to get back to some sort of normal after chemo.  But somehow everything seems so different now.  Watching my daughter graduate I was reminded once again why a graduation is called a commencement.  Because it IS not an ending but a beginning.

So maybe cancer works the same way?

Maybe it makes me appreciate life *that* much more?

Perhaps it's a challenge to take the risks.  To love and to live a little more. 

 To fear less what happens if you fail.  

And maybe failing is ok because it will lead you to a better place?

I can see clearly now the rain is gone

I am now 3 months post chemo and just had my first 3 month cancer follow up.  Thankfully my exam and lab work all came back within normal limits.  So a huge Yeah on that!

My neuropathy seems to be diminishing.  The physical therapy, massage therapy and time seem to be doing the trick.  I am back to work full time and it is Spring in Texas which is just glorious

That means warm temperatures and Bluebonnets

My hair is finally coming in. I had to laugh when I realized the cowlicks I have, that my mom used to worry about when I was a little girl?  Are still there!  Anyone ever dealt with a double crown cowlick?  I'm sure it means something in some culture somewhere.

Here you go:

But at least it's not all grey!

A celebration dinner with my sister and friends to commemorate her birthday and my great 3 month check up

I have been struggling a bit with survivorship (that's what it's called by the way)

Because the anxiety of follow up exams and testing always reminds me cancer lurks in my background.  So I made a deal with myself.  I have NO control over a recurrence. NONE.  I do have control about what I worry about.  So I will not give cancer even more of my life by worrying about it.  I'll keep my appointments, good attitude and try to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  I will enjoy my family and friends..and I will admire the bluebonnets.  

But I will not let cancer anxiety control my life.

And you know what?  I slept like a baby the night before my check-up.

True story.

And since I am (proudly) a native Kansan, this seems appropriate:

Loss

Over the past the past 5 months I've thought a lot about death.  About what it means to die, and what kind of death cancer brings.  I've taken a cold hard looks at all the things I've accomplished and made a list of all the things I still want to do.  Cancer tends to be a clarifying moment for most people I guess.

I used to think I had plenty of time...
Time to learn and grow.  Time to spend with my family and friends.  But most of all time to live. The opportunity of life seemed endless.  A cancer diagnosis started to make me think more about the boundaries of my life.  That opportunity was still there, but it may not be limitless.  That instead of constantly planning for the future, maybe it would be good to live in the present, TODAY.

Yesterday I discovered a dear friend from high school died, quite suddenly.  Penny was beautiful, smart and funny.  But what I remember most was that she was kind.  Always.  A few years ago we reconnected on facebook and over the past few months she never failed to post an encouraging word to me as I was going through chemo.  I think I heard from her almost everyday.  This past Sunday I had noticed people posting encouraging messages to her, and so I asked her if she was ok.  She had had a heart attack, but was resting at home and feeling better.

The next day she was...gone.

I never realized how much she had touched my life till then.  As the vivacious high school friend to the strong, kind woman she grew up to be.  I will always think of her and know the world was a better place because of her.