I can see clearly now the rain is gone

I am now 3 months post chemo and just had my first 3 month cancer follow up.  Thankfully my exam and lab work all came back within normal limits.  So a huge Yeah on that!

My neuropathy seems to be diminishing.  The physical therapy, massage therapy and time seem to be doing the trick.  I am back to work full time and it is Spring in Texas which is just glorious

That means warm temperatures and Bluebonnets

My hair is finally coming in. I had to laugh when I realized the cowlicks I have, that my mom used to worry about when I was a little girl?  Are still there!  Anyone ever dealt with a double crown cowlick?  I'm sure it means something in some culture somewhere.

Here you go:

But at least it's not all grey!

A celebration dinner with my sister and friends to commemorate her birthday and my great 3 month check up

I have been struggling a bit with survivorship (that's what it's called by the way)

Because the anxiety of follow up exams and testing always reminds me cancer lurks in my background.  So I made a deal with myself.  I have NO control over a recurrence. NONE.  I do have control about what I worry about.  So I will not give cancer even more of my life by worrying about it.  I'll keep my appointments, good attitude and try to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  I will enjoy my family and friends..and I will admire the bluebonnets.  

But I will not let cancer anxiety control my life.

And you know what?  I slept like a baby the night before my check-up.

True story.

And since I am (proudly) a native Kansan, this seems appropriate:

Loss

Over the past the past 5 months I've thought a lot about death.  About what it means to die, and what kind of death cancer brings.  I've taken a cold hard looks at all the things I've accomplished and made a list of all the things I still want to do.  Cancer tends to be a clarifying moment for most people I guess.

I used to think I had plenty of time...
Time to learn and grow.  Time to spend with my family and friends.  But most of all time to live. The opportunity of life seemed endless.  A cancer diagnosis started to make me think more about the boundaries of my life.  That opportunity was still there, but it may not be limitless.  That instead of constantly planning for the future, maybe it would be good to live in the present, TODAY.

Yesterday I discovered a dear friend from high school died, quite suddenly.  Penny was beautiful, smart and funny.  But what I remember most was that she was kind.  Always.  A few years ago we reconnected on facebook and over the past few months she never failed to post an encouraging word to me as I was going through chemo.  I think I heard from her almost everyday.  This past Sunday I had noticed people posting encouraging messages to her, and so I asked her if she was ok.  She had had a heart attack, but was resting at home and feeling better.

The next day she was...gone.

I never realized how much she had touched my life till then.  As the vivacious high school friend to the strong, kind woman she grew up to be.  I will always think of her and know the world was a better place because of her.

How does my garden grow?

Or rather my hair grow?

It's starting to come back...more like duck down or peach fuzz

But I have some baby hair coming in ...and lashes...and eyebrows!

I'm still looking a little alien-ish but you can see my progress :)

I've also been actively working on getting my strength back, which means exercise and physical therapy in addition to some medication (lyrica) to decrease the neuropathy I have from chemo.

My therapists and docs say nerves come back very slowly so I have a year or two to feel better.  After that, whatever neuropathy I have left is mine to keep.

I am hoping to keep NONE of it. Because I am just that stubborn

I sometimes think dealing with the aftermath of cancer is just as hard as the diagnosis.
It seems even though I'm done with chemo, every week brings some sort of new doctor appointment or test.  While I know I need to follow up with all these various appointments... cancer is a full time job, even after treatment.

Next week is my 6 month mammogram and breast surgeon appointment.
I wish I could study, because that is one test I do not want to flunk

So here's hoping the next week is uneventful as far as medical testing
so I can get back to growing my hair and PT.

Finding my way back

Still trying to answer the question about what comes next after cancer.  

One side effect of my chemotherapy has been neuropathy in my hands and feet

Basically my feet feel like they are asleep 24/7

Except for when I'm on them for an extended period of time and then

it's painful

So I've been on a quest to see what I can do to get rid my neuropathy and find my new normal

Last week I started physical therapy to help improve my balance and support the muscles in my feet and ankles.

As part of my homework I have some exercises and are supposed to walk daily.

This weekend I went walking with my sister, cousin and daughter at the Canton Trade Days

Which is the mother of all flea market/swap meet/craft fairs all rolled into one!

I figured I might as well shop...and walk.

Shopping with my girls and exercising ...what a perfect combination!

Some other things I have learned about neuropathy after chemo:

It may take up to a year for your neuropathy to improve,

whatever neuropathy is left after a year is yours to keep.

So I'm on a quest to kick neuropathy to the curb

AND

get in better physical shape because I still have one preventative surgery to go.

The preventative double mastectomy and reconstruction surgery.

One surgery (with a cancer detour) down and one to go...

Letting go

Tomorrow I am having my port removed.

While my minion has served me well in kicking cancer's ass, my doctor feels I'm cured and no longer need it.

So Yeah! 

Out it comes!

I have to confess I am a little ambivalent.

I feel like my port removal is like tempting fate for a recurrence 

BUT

I need to remember my port does not have magical powers to prevent cancer.

So out it comes tomorrow...

And I have some nice platinum blond (grey) fuzz growing in..

Patience Is a Virtue

I am almost 3 weeks out from my last chemo treatment.

For the past 4 months this is the day I'd be getting myself ready for yet another round of chemo

and all the yuck that comes after.

So I am very thankful to be finished with all of that.

However 

I am impatient to be back to normal again

which means

HAIR!

No neuropathy (numbness/pain) in my hands and feet

Better stamina

Decreased anxiety

Right now, none of the above seem to be happening very fast and I have to say while it may be unrealistic to expect all the above

I do...

And I want it NOW!

Somewhere in my mind there's a very small voice that keeps telling me maybe I will have to adjust to a new normal

And I am not liking that at.all

My Favorite Escape

No it's not Hawaii, Italy or the Caribbean

Although I do love all those places.

My favorite escape is a good book.  

As my chemobrain is improving I'm able to read again.

This makes me so very happy!

One of the ways I've always coped with sadness or hard times is by diving head first into a good book

One of the hardest parts of Chemo was the inability to concentrate enough to read.

As the chemo leaves my system for the final time I'm having a great time catching up on all my reading.

Whether it's a great thriller, a new Stephen King book, a biography or even cook books, I have always had my nose in a book

As far back as third grade I used to walk home from school reading a book...and often ended up either off course or walking into a things because I was so engrossed in the story. Leaving me to explain why I had a bruise on my forehead from walking into a tree!

Many of the stories and characters still live in my mind.

I've also learned so much from books.  Fiction, Nonfiction, Historical or pure Chick-Lit.

It's all been good.  

So have you read a good book lately?  

I have :)