Why Scary Movies Aren't As Scary

Happy Halloween!

As the scary season is upon us, I'm noticing something interesting.  Scary movies just don't seem as scary to me.

I love a good scary movie and always have.  My kids routinely love to scare me and watch me jump.  But this year those movies and scares don't seem to make me JUMP! Like they used to.

A huge favorite...Chris Sarandon as a Vampire next door?  yes..please :)

Kiefer before 24

Cheesy goodness

I'm starting to discover that horror movies don't scary me as much, because I am now living my own scary movie.

In which the Alien is hiding in my body...cancer

Ahhh....yeah.  That is some pretty scary stuff right there.

So yeah, I'm in the trenches fighting my alien cancer cells and hopefully winning

BUT WAIT!

Like any good horror movie there's....more

Since I am BRCA 1+ I also have a 70% risk of breast cancer...and of Triple negative breast cancer the hardest most aggressive form of breast cancer to treat.

That's like leaving a wounded slasher WITH a knife!

And that my friends is SCARY.

I'm starting to think about what comes after chemo and am realizing quickly I don't want to leave " a slasher with a knife"

Which means surgery to remove my breasts...as soon as I'm medically cleared to do so after chemo is over.

I am hoping to reduce the slasher -Triple Negative Breast Cancer

To this

Because I ain't scared of no ghosts...

But I am scared of cancer.

Great Fullness

Back in the 80's and 90's when I loved everything "OPRAH" I stumbled upon one of her ideas that has stayed.  

A Gratitude Journal

While I don't keep a journal anymore I have discovered through the years that if I could be grateful for 5 things before I fell asleep, I tended to sleep and feel a whole lot better.

Now some days I was just grateful I survived the day.

When my kids were little I was grateful for any amount of patience..................... (because I have NONE)

As I've gotten older stuff like "no plantar fasciitis attacks" or heartburn have made an appearance

Last night as I was thinking about my 5 things, I realized that being grateful gives me a great fullness.  

As in I feel whole, and happy.  Maybe I'm *exactly* where I'm supposed to be?

Bald head and all...

Last night my 5 things were:

1.  My family

2. My friends

3.  My health

4. My home

5. The ability to make a difference

I'll confess I had to really think about the health one.  But having cancer doesn't make me "unhealthy".  My body is tolerating chemo ok.  Is it a good time? No.

But so far I'm getting through it and that I am grateful for.

VERY. Grateful.

Try it...you may feel great full...

Brave?

Starting to feel a bit more normal post treatment so went out for a taco with my husband tonight. Gorgeous night out...82 degrees Texas fall evening.  

While getting gas I snapped this selfie, which isn't quite the "full monty" but is me rocking my bald with my favorite blingy baseball cap.

I've always been a grab and go kinda gal.  I have a nice wig, hats and scarfs but this baseball cap really seems to do it for me.  It's light, kinda lacy with a bit of sparkle.

SO here goes...I still have a little eyebrow and lashes left, but not much

I wear a surgical cap to work which blends in well in the hospital environment.

Not doing my hair takes a good 20-30 minutes off my getting ready in the morning.

I could get used to that...

JUST KIDDING!

As a good friend recently told me, "God only has so many perfect heads, the rest she has to put hair on"

My mantra...

Post Chemo Blahs..

The weekend after I get get Chemo is usually the hardest.  As long as I take my drugs- steroids, anti-nausea meds and pain meds, it usually doesn't get awful,  But I have to stay on top of it.  One of the other things I've learned is to walk a little and rest A LOT.  Drink, drink and drink some more (sadly water...not wine) and to eat bland foods that are calming.

Some of the items I've found that help are these:

Chocolate Carnation Instant Breakfast 

chocolate milk + some extra protein

Turkey slices with provolone cheese made excellent sandwiches or roll-ups

Kozy Shack Rice Pudding- comfort food that is creamy and sweet..but not too sweet

My favorite tea post chemo I drink it hot and iced.  Tazo Zen tea.  It's a green tea with a hint of mint and lemongrass

Love these little guys for snacking ..they make me smile!

I also enjoy soup...especially chicken soup...

So that's my post chemo menu.  Kinda boring and bland.  But it makes my tummy happy and that's all that matters.

And a nice saying I found:

First Down on the 50 Yard Line

Hammer Time #3

I have completed half of my treatment...3 treatments down...3 to go!

SO I'm going to have a virtual halftime show before the pregame steroids wear off..

There are all my fabulous cheerleaders...family, friends, coworkers and blog readers

There will be football food (maybe not *today*)

And some floral floats ...

Aren't they gorgeous? I came home from Chemo to these flowers from one of my besties and my mom.  I am a lucky (and loved) girl :)

Ready to go for the touchdown because the other team frankly...sucks.

You Betcha!

Go Team!

BRCA Testing...to test or not to test? That is the question

As I've mentioned in several posts I am BRCA1+.  I found this out after meeting with a cancer genetic counselor, who after talking to me about my family cancer history recommended genetic testing.  My test was a full test as I didn't have the specific mutation for our family at that time.  The cost was approximately 4,000.00 was was covered by my insurance.

And while some have said I am brave to have gone through it.  Let me tell you a little
secret.  I wasn't.

 In fact I was a big scaredy cat.  

I've read about BRCA testing since the 1990's.  Talked to my various GYN's about it.  I had a hysterectomy in 2004 and thought a bit about having my ovaries removed...but didn't.  Right before I moved to Texas a GYN I was friends with encouraged me to get tested and I even got the number of a teaching hospital's genetics department to make an appointment.  But did I do it?

no.

Because I was scared

I was scared my insurance wouldn't cover it

I was scared it might be used to deny me coverage as a pre-existing condition

But most of all I was scared...they might find something.

So for years, I went for my yearly gyn check up

as well as a yearly transvaginal u/s and mammogram

and honestly? I even missed a few years.

yep.

I kept thinking, maybe I was fine.  I didn't want to know.

My head was firmly stuck in the sand.

So when I moved to Texas and had an appointment with my new gyn, she readily made me a referral to cancer genetics who scheduled an appointment for me.

I figured it was time to just get it done and over with.

So I went.

Yes...I was positive.

A few things I did not know:

1.  Insurance does cover testing and if you know the specific mutation it's only about 400.00

2.  Health insurance cannot use genetic testing as a pre-existing condition,  although

life insurance may.

3.  By the time a ovarian cancer is detected by u/s or exam it's generally a stage 3-4 tumor.

4.  Genetics does not discriminate.  It can be passed equally by mothers and fathers.

So for everyone out there who has a family history who is scared of testing.  Please know...I feel you.  I do.  I was once you too.

While discovering cancer during a preventative surgery sucks.  Finding out ignoring it until I had symptoms could have been ...deadly.

I have 3 kids.  I want to be around to torment them for years to come.  Cancer could have stopped that.

WHOA.

So if you meet any of the following criteria please consider meeting with a genetic counselor.

I beg you.

Criteria for testing

• Breast/Ovarian cancer diagnosed before age 50 years
• Cancer in both breasts
• Both breast and ovarian cancers in the same family
• Multiple breast cancers
• Two or more primary types of BRCA1- or BRCA2-related cancers in a single family member
• Cases of male breast cancer
• Ashkenazi Jewish ethnicity

The life you save...may be your own...or your sisters...or your cousins.

But do it.

Remember...Knowledge is POWER.  

Pacing Myself

One of the things I'm quickly learning on this cancer journey is that you can do "some of the things" but maybe not "all of things" you want to do.

Which is certainly educational but frankly...stinks sometimes.

Throughout my adult life I've always had several projects going at once.  It might be a work project or a volunteer project but I love being busy (and planning)

I'm finding out very quickly that cancer and chemo is helping me to prioritize and accept what I can do...and what I can't

For instance I have no patience for pettiness anymore.  

This is my new mantra

I'm finding this, while hard at first is ...making my life so much more peaceful.

I can go 'all in' for the things that really matter such as my family

and leave the rest...that matters notsomuch.

Losing my hair was hard, but not having to do my hair ...cut it or color it.

Actually is kinda nice and gives me a little more time to sleep in the am.

I think I took for granted having a high energy level and being busy.

These days I prioritize what needs to get done and appreciate that it may not always happen.

and you know what?

That's ok.

There's no guilt or beating myself up.

I haven't made a "to do" list in...weeks.

Because I know I can only do what I can.

At some point my feet start getting sharp pains from the chemo neuropathy and then

I get a little light headed which is my body's way of saying

"you've had enough"

So I listen.

Maybe cancer is teaching me to stop and smell the roses a little more.

Probably a very good thing.

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

This week is my sweet spot in regards to chemo.  I receive treatment every 3 weeks.  The week before I  get chemo is my best week.  Other than the neuropathy (numbness) in my feet and finger tips as well as some fatigue,  I feel good and my appetite is back.  So I enjoy this week and appreciate it so very much.

We've done a little decorating for Halloween..

Bought some pansies to plant

Since it's still in the 90's this week I'll probably get a swim in this afternoon as well!

So I'm just going to relax and be in the moment as next week...is coming.

We Are Family...Part 2

So as I had mentioned in a previous post, my BRCA1+ was passed to me from my father.  My dad was one of 7 kids, he had 6 sisters.

 His oldest sisters were Jeanette and Evelyn

This was on Jeanette's 1st Communion probably around 1932

And just because he's so handsome my dad's HS graduation picture in 1953

Jeannette and Evelyn were the oldest daughters, when my grandmother was sick and died they took on much of the care for their younger siblings until my grandfather remarried.  

Jeannette married in 1949 and moved with her husband to western Kansas to farm.  She had 3 young daughters, the youngest of which was an infant when she discovered a lump in her breast.

The following are excerpts from her medical records:

Sadly she passed away at the age of 33.  Her daughters were 3, 5 and 7 at the time.  They remember being cared for by family, friends and neighbors during the time their mom was sick, and sought treatment as far as Texas to prevent and control the spread of her breast cancer.

Evelyn also married in 1949,  farming in the town next to where my grandparents farm located.  She had 4 children.  In 1965, when she was 38 she noticed a lump in her underarm area which her doctor felt was an infection and treated her unsuccessfully with antibiotics.  When the lump didn't resolve they performed a biopsy which showed cancer...and ultimately was diagnosed as ovarian cancer which had spread.  She had a complete physical 3 months prior to being diagnosed including a pelvic exam that was documented as normal.

Some of Evelyn's medical notes

Obviously this made a huge impact on the remaining sisters as well as my dad.  I remember my dad telling me about his sisters and mother when I was a teen.  It has always stayed with me and scared me...the same way it has frightened everyone in our family for the past 3 generations.

Now their story is mine too.

BUT

I had the knowledge to strike first.  Which will save my life.  An option my aunts and grandmother did not have.

My father's sisters also kept the records.  My Aunts Darlene and Marian have always been available to talk to, consult, give advice or even just a hug when we've needed it.

Because of them...and my cousins, I have the records to look back on.

Because of them I will survive ovarian cancer and my cousin Joann has defeated breast cancer.

I don't know why the medical community took so long to say "yes" this is a familial disease.

We've known it since 1942, in our family.

A picture of my angels who keep me strong...Jeannette and Evelyn's sisters and daughters

My aunts and cousins

This has been a post I've been thinking about for awhile.  I hope I did justice to Jeannette and Evelyn's story.  As well as the family that lived through it and continues to support each other.

And in case you haven't seen it I would highly recommend the movie

"Decoding Annie Parker"

About the discovery of the BRCA gene mutation and a family who's dealing with it...hmmm sounds familiar :)

Now available at Amazon.com

Look Good...Feel Better...

Today I went to a special class sponsored by my Cancer Center and the American Cancer Society.

Appropriately called "Look Good, Feel Better"

And in the immortal words of Billy Crystal's Fernando...

"When You look good, you feel good.  Dahling you look Mahvelous!"

So I sat my little bald head down and learned how to use makeup to mimic the eyebrows and eyelashes I'm losing.

I learned about wigs and scarves and all sorts of great tricks to help make me feel better

and you know what?

I did...I felt better!

It was nice to sit with other women currently in Chemo.  Talking and laughing.  Well really...lots of laughing.  Because we are ALL RIGHT THERE.  

And we also got some great makeup kits to practice during class and take home.

Now I'm a huge sucker for any of those free gift with purchase deals in the makeup department.  So free make up?  BONUS!

Some pictures from today:

My spot at the table

Some hats and scarves 

My Make-up Kit

Yesterday was a hard day.  My first day back to work post Chemo is rough.  I almost passed out just walking into the building.  I ended up leaving early because I just felt so tired and lightheaded.

By the end of the day you sometimes really start to doubt yourself, it just all feels so dark.

But with some laughter and a little make-up today...I'm beginning to see the light again.

And for that I am grateful.