Hammer time -Chemo #5 and some random thoughts about having cancer.

Chemotherapy today, treatment #5 

Pleased to say it well, and I'm home feeling ok, just a little tired.

In my cancer center there's a main waiting room.  Where patients wait for lab work, chemo and to see physicians.

Before I had cancer I went to this waiting room to wait for my blood work and see my doctor.  This waiting room is a bit of an eye opener.  Since you see all different types of people.  Some are obviously sick, others bald but look ok, and the rest look healthy.  I distinctly remember being there before my diagnosis and thinking "This is a club I hope to never join"

yeah, I did

Well guess who's now a card carrying member?

ME!

Over the past 4 months I've learned how to pace myself, manage my time and be more positive.  Chemo sucks.  But when I sit in the waiting room now waiting for chemo, I think I am more relaxed then I was before I was diagnosed.  

I've lived one of my "worst case scenarios" and lived to tell the tale.

One thing I have noticed is that I am always reluctant to tell people what kind of cancer I have.

Frankly, it's none of their business, but more importantly people seem to look at you like ..you're already dead.

Ovarian cancer has quite the reputation.

Rightly so.

I confess I used to think that way too.

But now I know better.

My cancer was discovered early, so I have a good prognosis. 

AND even those 

who are diagnosed with advanced disease are living longer and may consider it a chronic disease, where you go in and out of remission and need further chemo.

Who knew?  

Well now I do, and you do too.

One of the other pet peeves I have about cancer is baldness.

Oh it's hard, but what's really hard is it screams

"I HAVE CANCER!"

To everyone...everywhere.

I'm a pretty open person with my friends and family.  Even co-workers as we work closely together. 

But a month or so ago I was at a work related class and was accosted by a woman who was a breast cancer survivor.  I know her heart was in the right place.  But pinning me to wall and asking loudly if "I was her SISTER" 

was uncomfortable for me and everyone else in the room.

Some bald people hate this kind of attention even more.

So tread carefully

The people I do enjoy are those who quietly come up to me in the grocery store or hobby lobby and say in a quiet voice to "Hang in there, it's going to be ok, your hair will grow back, I'm X years out and doing fine"

And then leave.

I kind of think of them as angels

reminding me, I'm going to be ok.

Thanksgiving...it's more than just dinner

We had a really nice Thanksgiving.  I think we all ate too much, but having all my kids and my sister under the same roof was amazing.  We made and ate lots of delicious food, drank some good wine and laughed quite a bit.

The smell of Turkey cooking will always be a favorite smell for me.

A few days before thanksgiving I had the usual pre chemo appointment with my Oncologist.  She is a terrific doctor, but a bit of a straight shooter.  She can be a little blunt.  I remember prior to my surgery I had said to her I felt lucky " being BRCA 1+ to have gotten to 50 and not had cancer" and she replied "Well, we really can't say that...yet"

Gotta admit I was a little ticked by that response

However 1 month later at my post op appointment I discovered she was right.  I did in fact, have cancer.

I guess as a GYN Oncologist, she'd...uh...done this before ;)

So at my appointment a few days ago, we were discussing the "home stretch" 2 more treatments, another month and I would be finished with my treatment.  We talked about follow up.  I'd be seen every 3 months for the next 2 years, then every 6 months till 5 years and then yearly after that.

But most importantly she told me she felt I would be CURED when I finished treatment.

CURED.

WOW!

And coming from my doctor, who is very detail and research oriented...I was surprised and happy.

I'll be honest in saying I don't completely trust it, as I don't trust cancer.

Am I going to hold my breath before those future check ups and blood work, praying nothing is amiss?

You betcha.

But maybe cancer has taught me one very important lesson:

you never know what's going to happen tomorrow so

Appreciate TODAY.

Because it truly is a PRESENT

Some other things I'm working on

I think 1 and 2 may be the hardest, at least for me ;)

We are Family...part 3 and some other interesting genetic tidbits

Getting back to my family's story....

We've discussed my grandmother and aunts.  But there is another part to our family's story.  Someone who I refer to as "The Mothership," my great grandmother Martha.

We know Martha was "The Mothership" as she had 2 husbands.

My great grandfather was Martha's 1st husband who died at age 33 (noncancer related). My grandmother was their oldest child.

Martha remarried and had more children with her 2nd husband.  A grandaughter from that family died of ovarian cancer at age 49.

Several cousins on the other side of her family have also tested BRCA 1+ for the exact same mutation that I have.

So Great Grandmother Martha was the mothership for this mutation.

Interestingly enough.. Martha lived to be 92 and never had cancer. 

I would love to know what she did right!

I have a pin of hers...but no pictures of her.

My dad had this pin in a box for years.  I still don't know how he came to have it, but I remember seeing it as a young girl and when I was an adult I asked him if I could have it and he gave it to me.  It's not particularly valuable, and I confess I didn't know until recently that Martha was my biological great grandmother.  There had been some disputes around the time my grandmother died that meant my dad didn't really talk about his grandmother very much.

Somehow I think it's fitting I ended up with her pin as well as her mutation.

Some other genetics tidbits

I was lucky enough to attend a Hereditary Cancer Patient Conference last weekend.  

So many new discoveries coming forward in the world of cancer genetics.

Several other cancer genes mutations have been identified. 

They're able to test for these more mutations in addition to  BRCA 1/ 2.

There are numerous websites dedicated to patient registries and how to talk with your family about genetics

such as: www.free-the-data.org

www.kintalk.org

One of my favorite organizations FORCE (facing our risk of cancer empowered)

also has an excellent website, message board and registry.

I am proud to be a member of the Dallas FORCE group.  I've met a terrific group of people from that group.

Looking forward to Thanksgiving with my family.  Our first in our new home in Texas. My oldest daughter is home from college and I love having everyone under one roof once again.  I'll be cooking my favorite meal for the people I love...gearing up for Chemo next week and hoping to be done by Christmas

Perspective

Now that I'm a week past chemo I'm starting to feel "normal" again.   On my way home this evening I started to reflect on how my perspective on aging has changed.  Last year when I turned 50 I started seeing myself really ...age.  Ok, so I looked good for 50...but damn I was 50!  With that came skin changes everywhere, hair where there wasn't hair before as well as assorted aches and pains.  I admit it freaked me out.  I mean in my head I was still...like maybe ...29?  ish...

But cancer has given me a WHOLE new perspective on aging.  Because now I am just so happy to have reached 51 and more importantly will reach many more birthdays to come.   I have happily earned every single laugh line, laughing with my kids and husband.

Grey hairs bring it on! I've lived long enough to enjoy them.  Wrinkled neck and sunspots from being outside enjoying the sun and my family.  I'm in.

Because life is for living.  

Or as Auntie Mame says:

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas?

As I am starting to come out of my chemo haze, I'm noticing the world is starting to change.

First off, we are in very cold weather for Texas...30-40's

Brrrrrrrrr

Secondly, holiday lights are going up 

and lastly my favorite oldies station is now ALL CHRISTMAS MUSIC until December 26th.

Did I mention it is November 15?

I will be the first to admit my initial impression was:

Because I used to have a firm rule about eating Thanksgiving dinner before digging into Christmas. 

HOWEVER this year is different.

As I was listening (and grimacing) to Silver Bells on the radio this afternoon I realized.

When Christmas arrives....

I will be finished with CHEMO.

Like finished...done...no more.

SO 

I'm going to get in the spirit..

Do you see what I see?

Perhaps an end in sight...

and so much hope, love and laughter.

*Ding* *DIng* ROUND Four...Hammer time

Round 4 of chemo today.

My blood counts are good and I was feeling good after a terrific weekend of family, football and some awesome BBQ.

Spent some quality time with Roberta and then beat it home 

I am 2/3 of the way there....6 more weeks and I.AM.DONE!

Between our move an my cancer diagnosis it's been an enlightening few years.

One thing I've discovered is that things really do seem to work out.  Ok, it may not be in the way we'd planned, but when I look back I am usually glad things happened the way it did.  AND on the few times it didn't ...we made it through it and were OK.  

Also 7 good deep calming breaths will change the chemistry in your brain and calm you down.  Try it.  It works well especially at night when your mind won't shut the hell up.

Trust me :)

So the next few days are probably going to be notsonice.  We're also supposed to get some "arctic" weather (Texas Arctic is under 45 ;) ).  So I'll be napping, taking my drugs and hanging on the couch with my blankey

Dark Skies

Just feeling a little dark today.

It's pouring rain in Texas and I'm halfway through chemo.

I'm usually a glass half full kind of girl.

But today I think I'm going to indulge the dark side for a bit.

Cancer really sucks.

I feel like crap and I'm bald.  

While I am so grateful to have my family with me.

I am really missing all of my great friends in CT.

You know the ones who can make you smile, no matter what.

The kind who have a completely inappropriate sense of humor that is so wrong

and yet...so right.

So pity party...of one, right this way.

Looking forward to my extended family coming for the weekend.

And Christmas AKA my last chemo treatment