Loss

Over the past the past 5 months I've thought a lot about death.  About what it means to die, and what kind of death cancer brings.  I've taken a cold hard looks at all the things I've accomplished and made a list of all the things I still want to do.  Cancer tends to be a clarifying moment for most people I guess.

I used to think I had plenty of time...
Time to learn and grow.  Time to spend with my family and friends.  But most of all time to live. The opportunity of life seemed endless.  A cancer diagnosis started to make me think more about the boundaries of my life.  That opportunity was still there, but it may not be limitless.  That instead of constantly planning for the future, maybe it would be good to live in the present, TODAY.

Yesterday I discovered a dear friend from high school died, quite suddenly.  Penny was beautiful, smart and funny.  But what I remember most was that she was kind.  Always.  A few years ago we reconnected on facebook and over the past few months she never failed to post an encouraging word to me as I was going through chemo.  I think I heard from her almost everyday.  This past Sunday I had noticed people posting encouraging messages to her, and so I asked her if she was ok.  She had had a heart attack, but was resting at home and feeling better.

The next day she was...gone.

I never realized how much she had touched my life till then.  As the vivacious high school friend to the strong, kind woman she grew up to be.  I will always think of her and know the world was a better place because of her.

How does my garden grow?

Or rather my hair grow?

It's starting to come back...more like duck down or peach fuzz

But I have some baby hair coming in ...and lashes...and eyebrows!

I'm still looking a little alien-ish but you can see my progress :)

I've also been actively working on getting my strength back, which means exercise and physical therapy in addition to some medication (lyrica) to decrease the neuropathy I have from chemo.

My therapists and docs say nerves come back very slowly so I have a year or two to feel better.  After that, whatever neuropathy I have left is mine to keep.

I am hoping to keep NONE of it. Because I am just that stubborn

I sometimes think dealing with the aftermath of cancer is just as hard as the diagnosis.
It seems even though I'm done with chemo, every week brings some sort of new doctor appointment or test.  While I know I need to follow up with all these various appointments... cancer is a full time job, even after treatment.

Next week is my 6 month mammogram and breast surgeon appointment.
I wish I could study, because that is one test I do not want to flunk

So here's hoping the next week is uneventful as far as medical testing
so I can get back to growing my hair and PT.

Finding my way back

Still trying to answer the question about what comes next after cancer.  

One side effect of my chemotherapy has been neuropathy in my hands and feet

Basically my feet feel like they are asleep 24/7

Except for when I'm on them for an extended period of time and then

it's painful

So I've been on a quest to see what I can do to get rid my neuropathy and find my new normal

Last week I started physical therapy to help improve my balance and support the muscles in my feet and ankles.

As part of my homework I have some exercises and are supposed to walk daily.

This weekend I went walking with my sister, cousin and daughter at the Canton Trade Days

Which is the mother of all flea market/swap meet/craft fairs all rolled into one!

I figured I might as well shop...and walk.

Shopping with my girls and exercising ...what a perfect combination!

Some other things I have learned about neuropathy after chemo:

It may take up to a year for your neuropathy to improve,

whatever neuropathy is left after a year is yours to keep.

So I'm on a quest to kick neuropathy to the curb

AND

get in better physical shape because I still have one preventative surgery to go.

The preventative double mastectomy and reconstruction surgery.

One surgery (with a cancer detour) down and one to go...